I'm Alive

I haven't blogged in a long time. And even when I was blogging, I didn't have much to say.
I guess it doesn't matter much, as I don't have many readers.

In any case. I'm back. I think.
I'm going to try to blog more regularly and attempt to find interesting things to say.

Right now, it is 4th of July and I'm having a pity party for one. So feel free to just skip this post all together :) Happy 4th!

I'm home alone. J is gone from 6/22 - 7/26 and everyone else I know in this place is gone until August. EVERYONE. No exaggeration. So I'm completely alone. Maybe I should've kept my plans to fly to Chicago or STL for the weekend, but plan unexpectedly change.

On the bright side, I finished a book today that J has been asking me to read for quite some time. I really enjoyed it a lot. It is one of my new favorites :)
I read it in Spanish - La Sombra del Viento, but I'm sure you can find it in English as well. If they translated it literally, the title should be The Shadow of the Wind. It was written by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.

So those are my disjointed thoughts and my return to blogging. Fascinating, eh?

6 Years!

Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.
I can't even believe it!

We went to dinner at Amada. It was tasty.

Happy Birthday to Me

From the Mr....

Canon Speedlite 430EX II :)

From the sister...

Surprise visit :)

Possibilities

I started a new job back in January and was working as a full-time employee in my agency but dividing my time between two programs. One program I ended up loving; the other, not so much. The probationary period is 6 months and there was no full-time opening in the dept I loved anyway. I was stuck.

This week I found out there is a strong possibility I will be extended an offer to do the one I love full-time. I am beyond thrilled, as this puts me another step closer to my immediate and long term career goals and I get to work with populations I love. 1/2 of my time I'll be seeing Spanish-speaking clients and the other 1/2 of the time I'll see kids. Now I just have to keep everything crossed that the "strong possibility" becomes a reality.

And, while we're wishful thinking, let's think (hope) for a slightly increased salary as well.

Portland and Payouts

Portland
I went to Portland this weekend to visit a very good friend, her husband, and her new baby boy. It was a super fast and way too short trip, but it was so worth it. I managed to take a few pics in between feedings and screaming :) and will try to post them tomorrow night.

Payouts
We bought a new car tonight. Scary. I'm so anxious. I hate dropping that kind of cash. Cash I don't have. And I'm not sure we played our cards right. I think we could've bargained a little more if we had been willing to walk away and wait until tomorrow. We've been looking for about a month, test driven 5 or 6 times, and have been negotiating with dealerships for about 2 weeks. On a whim, we decided to check out the local dealership again and found a car that fit most of our wish list. It was a couple thousand dollars more than we wanted to pay, but we figured we would negotiate. We got them down a bit (enough) but I'm now thinking we could've done more. There was another couple literally ready to put down some cash on the same vehicle (used, only one, etc...) and it wasn't just a sales tactic - they were really giving us the eye. We drove it first, so we got first dibs. I probably should've just left a deposit, but instead I cut a check for the whole thing. Deal done. The sales guy did the usual "oh, I shouldn't have gone that low" "poor me" thing, but it was just for show. He had more wiggle room, I'm positive. Too bad I'm a sucker and was bored of the process, ready to have my car, and exhausted from a long weekend of travels. We pick up the beast of a ride tomorrow at 6pm.
I guess my only hope now is to negotiate in some extras like free oil changes or something.
Le sigh.

New Hair

I'm getting my hair cut and colored today at 12:30.
I have absolutely no idea what I want it to look like.
Be on the lookout for pics :)

Welcome Baby Noah!

Congrats to my dear friends K&D on the arrival of their beautiful new son - Noah Agustín.
Noah was born yesterday, 4/6/09 and weighed 8lbs 14oz and is 21 inches long.
He looks just like his daddy!

There's No Place Like Home

:: clicks heels ::

Tonight as I left my house to meet a friend for frozen yogurt, I realized there was a very defined line separating the sky above my head. To my left, the sky was black and the clouds were ominous to say the least. To my right, blue & full of fluffy whites. I had a 5 minute drive ahead of me and was hoping to be able to find parking (impossible!) and get inside before this storm dropped. I grew up in the midwest and have seen some storms, but this color was all new to me. I figured it was going to be a massive storm. I parked, and opened my car door just as a wall of water came pouring down. I grabbed the umbrella and ran as quickly as I could into the fro-yo place that was about 3 blocks away from my car. Umbrella in a storm... lightning... bad idea. Why have I never thought of that before. Anyway, as I was saying, the storm was pretty massive, the rain was heavy and I was 1/2 dry - a small blessing. I thought for a second that if I looked around I may not have been in "Kansas" anymore.

After fro-yo with my friend, I needed to run to Target. It was 8:40 and Target closes at 9:00 on Sundays. Lucky for me, it is only about 5 minutes away. Unfortunately, I was facing the wrong way on the street and turning around in this town is quite a feat. No one was coming, so I U-turned out of my parallel parking space and headed the other direction. I turned right at the next light and made it about a mile before I saw the lights flashing in my rearview. He pulled me over. I've never been pulled over before. I was nervous but was trying to stay calm. I handed him my license, registration & insurance card with shaking hands. He informed me that he saw my u-turn and that was why he pulled me over. Apparently, it is pretty well indicated via numerous street signs that are posted, that u-turns are illegal on that street. Oops.
I apologized in my most sincere voice and told him we moved here from California where u-turns are the norm, and that I was sorry I didn't see the signs with all the rain. He asked me about my driving record - clean - and told me to wait while he ran my info. He let me go without a ticket, thank goodness. So, no U-turns in this place, or as San Diegan's like to call it, "flippin' a bitch." What does that mean anyway? I have no idea. I'm not in "Kansas" anymore.

Machism by Omission (angry rant)

From where I'm sitting right now, I can see a hamper overflowing with clothes, a trashcan overflowing with toilet paper rolls and kleenex, an unmade bed, a half empty/folded basket of laundry, 3 pairs of misplaced shoes on the white rug in our bedroom, etc... and that is just from this spot. You should see the rest of our place. Disaster. The problem comes in that I need neatness. I need cleanliness and orderliness - it is part of who I am. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't even see the mess. He looks right over it. One time, I had been asking him to vacuum (its just the principle of it, ykwim?) for 2 weeks. I left it sitting in the middle of the room, literally. A MONTH later (I was so proud of myself) he finally asked where the vacuum was. Urm, hello?!? He just doesn't see things.

Why is this a problem? Well, it frustrates me at a level not previously recorded and it makes me say things like, "If I had known this about you before we got married, I wouldn't have married you." Ouch. My parents were both like this and I always swore I would never put the household cleanliness above love for my family. Turns out I was wrong. Ouch.

J swears he doesn't expect me to do all the housework. He says he isn't machist and that he contributes. He agrees that in theory the housework should be divided, as we both work and both live in this space. In practice, he doesn't do anything. And, if/when he does do something (say a load of laundry or some dishes) he expects praise & reward. Do I get praise and reward? Um, not so much. In fact, much of what I do, I really think he believes gets magically done by some housekeeping fairy. For example, a few months ago we had dinner at a friend's house. She is young, single, etc... and was super excited about her new place. She was giving us the tour and decided to show us the bathroom. One of the things she pointed out was this groutless (tileless) shower. She made mention of how nice it is not to have to scrub grout to avoid mold. J looks at me and says, "the grout/tile has to be cleaned?" I said, "um, yeah. who the hell do you think has been cleaning it all these years?" See... he's just clueless.

So while he says he doesn't expect me to do anything, my thought is that he does expect me to do it, by way of omission. If you don't pick up after yourself (I picked up 4 snotty toilet paper wads this morning before I even showered) who do you think will? If you don't flush the toilet after you take a shit, who do you think will? If you don't make the bed, wash your clothes, do the dishes, take out the trash, scrub the toilet, clean the bathroom, sweep the floor, mop the floor, clean out the fridge, vacuum, dust, etc.... If you don't do it, then that means I have to. So while you don't expect me to do it, you do expect it to be ok that you don't.

Here's the thing, dear J, you need to open your eyes and start helping out around this place. I don't want to put my need for cleanliness above my love for you, but every day that I have to live amongst your snot rags and laundry piles, is another day I live with a super high frustration level centered on you. And that, my dear, is probably not healthy.

One can lie by omission. And you, you are machist by omission.
Your woman will take care of all the dirty work, right?
No? Then who? You?
Ha!

No Tumor!

My mom called today with the results of her MRI and there is no tumor! Wooot woot!
That's the good news.
The bad news is that she has a collection of fluid in her way-inner ear (what is the actual word for this? I have no idea) and sort of on/near her brain. They can't get to it without doing some major damage so they're giving her pills as a first line of treatment to see if that works.
They say this type of thing is caused by having a severe head injury. The scary thing is she doesn't how/when that would've happened.
I'm focusing on the good news - no tumor!

As for my nephew, I still haven't heard anything. I'm hoping no news is good news.

Thanks for all of your well wishes, prayers, thoughts, healthy vibes.

Update

My mom's MRI is scheduled for Friday morning.
That's all I know, but I will update as soon as I find out what the results & next steps are.

Thanks for your continued prayers, well-wishes, and healthy vibes.

Snow Day!

We got hit with this March Nor-Easter that dumped about of foot on us. They predicted 10-14" and that it would stop by noon today. It is almost 4pm and it hasn't stopped yet.

I've been pretty productive though. I got up at my normal time, cleaned off my car and trekked to work... only to be told by the guy plowing the parking lot that the building was closed for the day. This is what the phone tree is for, people! I might be fairly new, but my number is on that tree, damnit! I saw it with my own 20/20 eyes.

Anyway, I made it back home safely and decided to cook up a few pots of tasty homemade soup/stews to divide and freeze for lunches over the next several weeks. I made a large pot of veggie chili, a pot of lentil soup, and a pot of curried butternut squash and chickpeas. Yum!

I have done 2 loads of laundry, dusted, and washed a few dishes (the dishes are J's this week).
I also cleared out our bedroom to make room for the new bed we're getting this weekend. We moved ours into the guest room, so now if you come to visit you'll have a more comfy place to sleep :) Anyone, anyone?

This evening we have to build the box springs. Yes, you read that correctly, I said build. While we were mattress shopping, one of the places we looked was IKEA. We didn't end up buying our mattress there, but we did fall in love with a box spring. It is the Sultan Alsarp and it has a lot of storage space built in! Our space is pretty small and any extra storage we can come up with is very helpful. We think this will be a good solution for us. But... we have to build the bases before Macy's delivers our new mattress.

And now it is 4pm and I've thouroughly bored you with the not-so-exciting details of my day.
I can't believe it is 4 o'clock.
Why is it that days off fly by so quickly and work days drag on and on?

Quick Update

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers for my family. I don't have many more details, but here is a quick update:

1) my nephew: no update. I haven't heard anything else, yet.

2) my mom: she got a 2nd and 3rd opinion. All 3 doctors believe it is a tumor. She has an MRI scheduled. The first step is to figure out where it is. Then they'll figure out how to get to it, determine what it is (cancer or not), and then make a treatment plan. Doctor # 3 says he doesn't think it is cancerous (woot!woot!). Right now, we just have to wait and see.

Pouring

They say when it rains it pours.

Two weeks ago, I was told there was a possibility that my nephew, age 9, had cancer. His sister, my niece, died of cancer almost 2 years ago. She was 2 years old. You can read my blog entry about this by clicking on the "not fair" link in my sidebar. It is a fairly rare cancer (rhabdomyosarcoma) but seems to have a genetic component, so they were initially going to test my nephew anyway. My sister declined the testing. Now, 2 years later, he is sick. Apparently, he's really sick and they just biopsied something. We're waiting on the results. Unfortunately, since I live half way across the country, I get the 3rd party, telephone version of everything. Who knows what is real/true and what isn't. In any case, it is now two weeks later and we still have no news.

Last night, around 11pm, my phone rang. It was my sister. My mom, who is 51, was at the hospital being treated for extremely elevated blood pressure & dizziness. She is a pretty damn stubborn woman and foolishly waited 3 days to get checked out. The simple fact that she went to the ER means it was bad. It must've been really bad. I am 1/2 way across the freakin' country and can't do a damn thing to help & I have no idea what is going on. After much examination & follow up, they seem to think she is having mini strokes. Additionally, she failed her neuro exam and they now think she has a mass (undetermined origin/type) pressing against some part of her brain. I would be more specific except I get the pass-it-on-down-the-line telephone relay version of the info, so I have no idea, really. They want to do a CT scan to check for tumors, clots, etc... It is complicated further by the fact that my parents divorced last year & mom lost her medical insurance coverage. She bought some sort of reduced cost plan for individuals just to maintain minimum coverage. Now it turns out, none of this hospital stuff or necessary CT will be covered. The doc has given her until Thursday to come up with a plan, but at that point the CT cannot be put off any longer. I am just so thankful for my sister right now. She lives there and can be involved, keep my mom in check (she has a tendency to down play everything and not be forthcoming with the doctors) and keep me posted. Sister, if you read this... I love you!

So, if you've read this far, please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers.
They could use the vibes.

Panties in a bunch

First, I have to say that I absolutely abhor the word panties. ::shudder:: ick!
That said, I must fill you in on my tidbit of newly learned wisdom.
Here is how you know it is time for new underwear: when after only 2 minutes of running at the gym they fall down.
They would've fallen off if my pants weren't in the way. Thank goodness for pants. :)
After my 3 mile jog-a-thon, I walked sideways back to the locker room as my panty line panty bunch ::shudder:: was showing through. It was my most attractive moment, for sure.
On the agenda for this weekend: new underwear & while I'm at it, new socks.

I liked it

Well, I survived. I actually enjoyed the first session. I wouldn't call it therapeutic greatness, as I was mostly still wrapped up in my own head with my self-doubt and anxiety.... but... the guy opened up, filled me in, and is coming back next week. It couldn't have been that bad, right? I'm sure this overly-worried, totally-panicked, I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing feeling is going to stick around for awhile, but at least I've broken the ice. I also had a 2 hour conversation with 3 (and sometimes 4) of my new colleagues today just sitting around chatting. It was really nice and they are all very welcoming. I think I am really going to love working there.

Aaaaaand I promise the next blog entry will be interesting and not job related. Cross my heart.

(2/6/09 at 5:15pm edited to add: I just wrote a new blog entry and it is not interesting, but it is also not job related. I kept half of my promise)

Wobbly like Jello

My knees are already wobbly like Jello and it is still Wednesday. Tomorrow, when I wake up, it will be Thursday. Thursday is the day I see my first individual client at the clinic. My first client is also an exclusively Spanish-speaking client. My knees are already wobbly.
He is on my schedule for 6pm tomorrow. Please send strength & good-language-skills vibes my way. Yikes!

The Job

So many things have happened in the last several weeks, and I'm not even sure where to start in writing about them. I suppose the most significant positive change has been that I've started my new job. Monday was my first day and I was beyond nervous.

I am working as a therapist for a local behavioral health agency. Half of the time (2.5 days per week) I'll be working in the outpatient mental health facility, where I have an office with my name on it. It is outfitted with my desk, a sofa, some client chairs, bookshelves, toys, etc... and a big blue "in session" light over the door. The whole thing is so surreal. I've met about 1/2 of the people in the office so far. Tomorrow I'll be given my first couple of case assignments. They want me to see the Hispanic clients. I'm a little (or a LOT) nervous about using Spanish in a professional/therapeutic setting, but it doesn't seem I have much choice. The other 1/2 of the time I'll be working as a therapist in a more community-based setting, providing services to pregnant and/or parenting women. I will also be running groups in each place.

So I guess this is it... the big time... the major leagues. I am actually doing it. I AM a therapist. It is such a strange feeling to finally be doing what I set out to do before all of the trials of graduate school, the year away from my husband, the year of grief & loss of loved ones, before my enormous debt of student loans was originated, way back before....

I am almost letting my nerves get the best of me. I need to remember to just breathe.

A work in progress

I have to apologize for my lack of real blogging lately. I feel like I've just been throwing photos at you but not really saying anything. I am working on it, I promise. I really haven't had much to say lately. Stick around dear blog readers, I can feel the blogging spirit returning a little at a time :)
In the meantime, feel free to check out the links on the right hand side of this page. There are links to my favorite posts and to other blogs I read frequently.

Greeblepix Entry for January

A stroll through gorgeous red-leaved trees. Fall'08 (click to enlarge)
I've entered this once, but I love it so much I wanted to submit it again

España

Stories to come... but here are a few pics. Apparently we are a family full of face makers. :)







P.S. - If you know me in real life, you can check out the rest of the pics by visiting my photography blog. If you don't have the address or would prefer a direct link, please email me and I'll send it to you. Trying to maintain some level of privacy. Thanks!

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

http://sweets101things.blogspot.com/

Instead of New Year's resolutions, I've made a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. I love lists. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Click the above link for details and to see it.

Blogging Desde España

I am in Spain for the holidays and will not back in the States until January 4 at the earliest. We built in a few days on the return in hopes that the airlines would have overbooked and will need people to volunteer their space on the planes. It usually works well and we get to spend a few extra nights hanging out in Madrid. This year we may even have a better shot because we flew on Iberia and from what I can tell the pilots are striking.

Anyway, I don´t have much to blog about yet and I cannot figure out the keyboard for the life of me, sooooooo no new entries until January.

Happy Holidays!!!

December Greeblepix Entry: Lucas & Whipped Cream

Check out those baby blues :)
(click to enlarge)

Princeton Restaurants Against Hunger

if you click on it, it should get bigger.
please feel free to print, share, email, etc...

Slow Food Winter Farmers' Market

Another great, local food thing.
Again, click on it and it'll get bigger. Feel free to print/share.

Employment

I was offered a position this morning. It sounds great, its close to home, the pay isn't bad, and it has growth potential. Now I'm weighing my options, because I feel like I have a lot up in the air. I had several interviews last week and have 3 on the books for this week, two of which are follow-up/2nd interviews. It seems things are starting to fall into place. Now I just hope I'll be able to make the best decision for my career & my family. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

World AIDS Day

Here is the link to my post from last year about World AIDS Day: click here
I'll be writing a new post for this year as soon as I can.
In the meantime, you should check out this awesome blog post about the (RED) dealio going on @ Starbucks: click here

What do I do now?

I mentioned in a previous post that I caved in and read Twilight. It had been sitting on my bed side table for weeks (months?) and I had refused to touch it. I don't really dig hype. I was bored with nothing else to do, and in an effort to avoid cleaning my apartment (still dirty, by the way) I cracked it open. I read the whole thing in one sitting. Then I sent J out to hunt down the next one (or 3). The library was out, so he went to Borders. He came back with books 2 & 3. That should do, right? Wrong! I flew through the next one in about 2.5 hrs and then it was on to the 3rd. All 3 books in less than 2 days. I wanted the 4th. No, I needed the 4th. Too bad it was Thanksgiving day and the only thing open was Walmart. They didn't have it in English. I almost settled for Spanish, but it just wouldn't be the same. Luckily, my guilty conscience was outweighed by my addiction to this book and I went searching for a free download or scanned copy online. I found a couple. I'm not sure if they were drafts or the final version, so I'm anxious for a real copy to skim. Anyway, I just finished the 4th book. Now I'm a little sad its over. I mean, its like the day after Christmas. Eh, I enjoyed the series a lot, and it kept me busy for 3 days.
And the movie? I am going to see it, although I'm sure I will be hugely disappointed. Nothing will ever be as hawt & cheesily romantic as I've imagined it to be. No actors will do these characters justice. This is like time travel back to teenage angst. It is that forbidden desire you just can't let go. le sigh What do I read now?

Beautiful Life

I've had the song Beautiful Life in my head all week. You know the one from the Jon+Kate commercial? And the Toyota commercial? I like the lyrics; they're happy. It makes me think about the good things left in life, even in the midst of global chaos. And rereading my Thankful post (roughly the 3rd one down the page) reminds me of the goodness in my own life.
Sadly, today I'm having a hard time with getting this knowledge from my head to my heart. We don't have family here. Everyone around us extended superficial invitations for Turkey day dinners, no one meant it, no one followed through. We are here, alone in our apartment on this Thanksgiving day. We were here all day yesterday too and have no where to be until Monday morning. I caved and read the first book in the Twilight series and have just finished book 3. I don't know what else to do to to fill the next 3 days. I need to clean my apartment, but I hate the thought. Dishes keep piling higher. I haven't dusted in two weeks. I haven't vacuumed in 3. I haven't cleaned the bathroom since before my trip to Chicago. No way J would even think to do these things (well, maybe the dishes). The apartment is gross. Beyond gross, actually. And yet I don't feel motivated to clean it. I don't feel motivated to do anything. I know it is a "beautiful life," but there seems to be no reason to live it today, tomorrow, saturday, sunday. Sadly, my whole life has been like this lately. It has no purpose. Ugh.
I guess the only way to not work myself into a depressed stupor is read & reread my Thankful post over & over & over (and over).
:: hey child up & go ::

Edit 1:54pm: J did the dishes. Without me asking. Thanks, babe.
Damn, now I guess I have to clean the apt!

Food Adventures Part II

Tonight I made Vegetarian Paella with Quinoa. I borrowed the recipe from here.
I prepared it a day in advance for our dinner tomorrow. I did sneak a taste though, and it is delish! I couldn't get a decent picture of it to save my life, grrr. This is the best shot I could get, but I promise it tastes better than it looks.

Here is the recipe:

This is one of those dishes that seem to improve overnight. Reheated leftovers make a great lunch. Spicy food lovers note that this is a subtle dish, not a spicy one.

1 onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 cup quinoa
1/4 teaspoon saffron, crushed
2 teaspoons Spanish smoked paprika
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
dash cayenne
1 14-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 red or yellow bell pepper, chopped
1 14-ounce can light red kidney beans, rinsed and drained
2 3/4 - 3 cups vegetable broth
2 medium zucchini, halved lengthwise and sliced
1 cup fresh or frozen peas
1 can artichoke hearts, rinsed and cut into quarters

Put the quinoa into a large bowl. Cover with water and stir well to wash the grain. Pour off the water and then repeat the washing process. You may also put the quinoa into a fine mesh strainer and rinse thoroughly.

Sauté onion and garlic in a deep non-stick skillet with a little water until soft. Add the quinoa and saffron and cook, stirring, for another 2 minutes. Add paprika, cumin, cayenne, tomatoes, peppers, beans, and 2 3/4 cups vegetable broth. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to very low, and cook covered for 15 minutes.

After 15 minutes, check to see if more broth is needed. If it looks dry, add the remaining vegetable broth. Place the zucchini on top of the quinoa and re-cover. Cook for about 5 more minutes, until quinoa is done. Remove the cover, stir in the peas, and cook uncovered until peas are warm and all liquid is absorbed, about 5 minutes. Arrange the artichoke hearts on the top and serve. Add salt at the table, if necessary.

Makes about 6 servings.

Per serving: 288 Calories (kcal); 3 g Total Fat; (9% calories from fat); 13 g Protein; 55 g Carbohydrate; 0 mg Cholesterol; 307 mg Sodium; 10 g Fiber

Thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for, even though I don't always act like it. I am a complainer. As much as I try not to be, I always fail. I complain, its what I do. I don't complain looking for sympathy, empathy or understanding. I just do it as a way to express myself, maybe just to hear my own voice - who knows. In any case, I spend a lot of time pondering what I don't have, what I won't have, why life isn't fair, etc... but rarely do I give thanks for, or even think about, the things with which I've been blessed. Thanksgiving is Thursday, which may be part of why I'm so reflective, but I can't wait that long to write down some stuff...so here goes....

I am thankful for my family. While we may not always get along, and many of us have trouble expressing our love for one another, I know we are always there for each other & for that I am grateful. I am especially grateful for my mother, with whom my relationship has changed greatly over the years, and for my sister whom I love more than life itself. She is such an awesome person and my only regret is that it took so long for me to see it.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who loves me in spite of (or because of?) all of my faults, and there are many. I am thankful for his kind heart, his gentle manner and his immeasurable love. I am thankful for the therapy and the therapist that helped save our marriage when it was falling apart. I am even thankful for the reasons it started to fall apart as they forced us to actually deal with things instead of sweeping them under the proverbial rug. I am grateful for my husband's persistence & perseverance. I am grateful it *may* be contagious.

I am thankful for my education and for all those who supported me while I worked my way through it. It was a long, difficult, obstacle-filled journey and I survived. And if you were part of it - thank you! I am thankful for the world I've seen because of my education and I'm grateful for the exposure it has provided and for the opportunities for critical thinking. I have a career now and am hopeful I will find a job soon. I am thankful for the opportunities I have to help those who have been less fortunate in their lives. I am hopeful that whatever job I end up taking allows me to have a great impact.

I am thankful for the fact that I have a couple of job interviews this week even in the midst of an economic crisis. I am grateful that in that crisis I have a comfortable place to live and food to eat. I have a warm coat and am able to put fuel in my car. I do not want for any necessity. I am grateful I have been taught the difference between a need and a want. I am grateful I am able to occasionally splurge on the wants.

I am thankful for wonderful friends who have stood by me through good times and bad and who are always willing to lend an ear or offer words of encouragement. I appreciate their nonjudgmental manner and them having opened their hearts. I'm grateful that though they are few and scattered, they simply are.

I am thankful for my overall health. I have some heart problems we are trying to figure out, but overall I am healthy. I wake up everyday and can move about my life with relative ease. I have health insurance, doctors, and the ability to advocate for myself should the need arise. I have done a lot of stupid things in my life and have escaped relatively unscathed. I walked away from rape without HIV or any other STDs and have never been faced with an unplanned pregnancy - for these things I am grateful.

I am grateful for my life experiences as they have shaped me into the person I am today. I'm grateful for the losses I've experienced and the trials, for they have made me stronger. I am grateful that there haven't been all that many. And while it sounds so cliche and cheesy, I am glad I've learned from my mistakes and have been able to move forward. I am grateful that hindsight is 20/20 and allows me to truly reflect on the error or success of my ways. It often makes me wonder what mistakes I'm making today, and then I'm grateful for self-awareness and forgiveness.

For all of these things (and more) I give thanks.

Adventures in Food

I am terrible with food. I do NOT make food related decisions. I don't usually enjoy my food. I would be happy if food came in little mini Jetson-esque pills and all I had to do was swallow one a few times a day. I don't eat meat, I don't like to overload on carbs, and I have food "issues" so things like pizza & ice cream bring guilt, yada yada yada... I've done therapy. Anyway, I'm on my own this weekend to fend for myself. J is at a conference in Orlando and is probably filling his tummy with meat, meat & meat. For me, I found a couple of quinoa based recipes (which I do love) and thought I'd try something new. Tomorrow I'm making a vegetarian paella using quinoa and a recipe I found here. Today, I went with a veggie based chili and mixed in some quinoa. I used a recipe I can no longer find the source for and tweaked it a little. It was pretty tasty and very filling. I think quinoa is a miracle food. Here is my tweaked version of the recipe:

Ingredients:
1 cup quinoa (rinsed)
2 cups water or vegetable broth
1 tablespoon oil
1 onion (chopped)
4 cloves garlic (chopped)
1 jalapeno pepper (chopped)
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 tablespoon cumin (toasted and ground)
1 28 ounce can crushed tomatoes - I used fire roasted
2 19 ounce cans black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 green bell pepper (cut into bit sized pieces)
1 red bell pepper (cut into bit sized pieces)
1 zucchini (cut into bit sized pieces, optional) - I left this out
1 tablespoon chipotle chili in adobo sauce (chopped)
1 teaspoon dried oregano
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup corn (fresh, frozen or canned)
1 handful cilantro (chopped) - I only had dried and it was fine
1/4 cup extra liquid (veggie broth, water, etc...) - I used beer

Directions:
1. Simmer the quinoa in the water until absorbed, about 20 minutes. (be sure to rinse it first)
2. Heat the oil in a pan.
3. Add the onions and saute until tender, about 3-5 minutes.
4. Add the garlic, chili powder and cumin and saute until fragrant, about 1 minute.
5. Add the tomatoes, beans, peppers, zucchini, chipotle, oregano, salt and pepper and simmer for 20 minutes.
6. I found it to be a little dry at this point, so I added about 1/4 cup of beer. Beer was a standard ingredient in my family's chili while I was growing up, so it was an obvious choice for me. You can sub veggie broth or water, or just skip this step.
7. Add the quinoa and corn and simmer for 5 minutes.
8. Remove from the heat and stir in the cilantro.

Chicago

Chicago, Chicago.
I try to go at least once a year and visit friends. If you scroll back far enough on my blog you'll find picture of various visits. My latest trip was one week long, all expenses paid, and it was wonderful. It was so nice to get away from my new life in NJ and head back to something more familiar. I got to hang out with my wonderful friend A and her family. She has a great hubster and a wonderful baby boy, L.
I also had the chance to see my sister, who happened to be vacationing in Chicago last weekend. We had lunch at the Regal Beagle, a place I'd never heard of even though I lived in Chi-town for 2 years. We had dinner the following night at Grand Lux, which is always a winner. I discovered a few new restaurants/cafes with A including the delish Angel Food Bakery, Julius Meinl, and Jack Rabbit. A even put up with my demanding we eat lunch at Penny's, which is an old Chicago favorite of mine.
Mmmmm, pad see ew with *slightly* crispy noodles. I'm salivating.
As much fun as the trip was, it was good to be home in my own bed last night. I got a cold from the airline travel (or maybe from all the li'l kid fingers at L's music class.. or maybe soccer class...). Actually, I wasn't sure I'd ever get home. I was supposed to leave Chicago at 9:30pm on Tuesday. We got to the airport & checked my bag for a whopping $15 and then found out the flight was delayed until 11:30! Being the super genius that she is, A said she thought the flight would probably end up canceled. We talked a counter guy into rebooking my flight for early Wed. morning. The 11:30 flight did end up canceled, so I was super glad I hadn't tried to wait it out. My friend is a genius. At 9am on Wed. morning I was back at the airport sans luggage and on board my flight back to the PHL. We taxied to the runway and then we taxied back to the gate. Ugh! Turns out a passenger waiting in the airport noticed one of the plane's access panels was open so maintenance had to check it out before we could leave. It ended up being a piece of tape that was hanging out the back door - nothing serious. We took off an hour after schedule and landed 30 mins late. I'm home now and have a cold, but the good news is that the job calls are starting to roll in. I have 5 pending interviews. Yikes! Who knows how this will play out from here, but at least it feels like progress.
Here are a few photos from my most recent trip to Chi-town:

November Greeblepix Entry

I Passed!

I passed my State licensing exam. Now I can start looking for work - sort of.
I have to wait to have the piece of paper in hand, which in NJ could take awhile.
I am updating my resume as we speak! w00t w00t!!!!
Sweet Spikette, MSW, LSW

How Far Have We Really Come?

Last night, in what will probably come to be known as one of the greatest moments in American history, Barack Obama became President Elect of the United States. It is an awesome time to be a voter and citizen in this nation and we are all (no matter which side we were on) praying/hoping for change and positive, forward direction. For many, it represents the fall of racial inequality. For most, it means they can look into their kids eyes and say, for the first time, that it is actually possible to become anything you want to become. It doesn't matter what color your skin is, you can achieve anything - even becoming President of the USA. We've moved from slavery to electing a black President. In such a short time we've come a long, long way. It is a sentiment too powerful to put into words, so I'll just stop trying.

What is equally powerful to me, in a not so proud or happy way, is how little some people have travelled in this same journey. In my previous blog entry I thought it would be cool to document the responses of my friends - something to look back on from such a history-making moment. I only included the positive ones, because that is how I choose to remember this monumental day. Sadly, not all of the responses were positive and most of the negative ones were based on race (a few on abortion, gay marriage, gun laws, etc... but most on race).
Here are two of the more disturbing ones:
Exhibit A: "Don't Blame me I voted WHITE. But I guess I can quit my job and live off everyone else since we'll be equal."
Exhibit B: "CHANGE: Come Help A N**** Get Elected."
It makes my skin crawl.

Having grown up with parents who have a confederate flag hanging in their garage (and the back of their pickup truck window), I can't say I'm surprised. To give you an idea, I am 27 years old. My grandmother is 76. She uses the word "colored" and the n-word. More often than not, she also uses qualifiers in speaking. She says things like: "oh, I had a colored doctor but he was so nice." As if all "colored doctors" are expected to be un-nice, so this is an exception. My father, who is 50, uses the n-word with little or no discretion. His other favorite term is cotton-pickers. This phrase was once used in conjunction with "low-riding Cadillac." I don't remember what he said, I was probably 8 or 9 at the time, but I remember the mental image it created of a gangster black guy driving his pimped-out, falling-apart caddy through a cotton field for his slave master. My dad's greatest fear for my life was that I'd fall in love with a black man. I heard things like "you'll grow n***er lips if you ever kiss one," and "it'd be impossible to bring a black man home, because this wouldn't be your home." The one that scared my sheltered, naive little 12-year-old heart the most: "if you have little "oreo" babies, I'll hang 'em from the ceiling by their velcro hair." Even last year, as I'm going through social work school and obviously much more liberal than the rest of my family, my aunt says to me, "oh, yeah, well, what do you expect, it was n***er rigged." I had to ask for clarification. I'm sure you're wondering too.
"N***er rigged" apparently means shoddy workmanship, something not done well, something half-assed (as my mom would say). As for the garage decor... I did ask them to take it down. They know what it represents and know it is offensive, but they refuse to take it down. The argument? - that they don't have "those" people in their house anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I'm finding this whole blog entry to be very self-incriminating.
Luckily, I educated myself, traveled, saw the world (well, parts of it anyway), and came to the realization that my family is full of prejudiced bigots. All I can say is we don't pick our families. I love them, but I don't agree with them - AT ALL. I ran the other way with my beliefs and my worldview. It is one of my greatest struggles when I think about raising my future/phantom children. I love my family, even with all their faults and ignorance, but I'm not sure how to limit my kids' exposure to the negative. I guess it is a good thing I live a few thousand miles away from each of then. For me, having an African-American president is awesome. For my dad, it makes him feel like the world is ending, tomorrow.

I know these are not sentiments held by the majority of the nation (I mean, he won!), but it scares me that they are still held by so many. I know it is not just my crazy family.
So while millions of African American parents are looking at Obama as an example of the promise and potential they see in their own kids, I am sitting here wondering how far we've really come since the days before civil rights.

Thoughts?

Election Day

Today was election day. I voted at 10am here in NJ.
The results are in, and the next president will be Barack Obama!
I am beyond thrilled.

Apparently, many of my friends are as well. Here are some updates of facebook statuses from the past 1 hour:
friend is without words. In all the bestest and most wonderful of ways.
friend says "bye bye, Sarah!!!!!"
friend says WOO HOO
friend says this is the first point in my life where I am truly proud to call this place my home!
friend is elated!!!!!
friend is happy that an African American President will be a reality for his son, too!
friend is loving this!!!
friend feels really good right now. What an amazing moment to be an American.
friend is joining others in celebrating a great victory.
friend is celebrating big time! Obamanos!
friend is shouting YES WE CAN! YES WE DID!
friend says a better tomorrow is here!
friend has happy tears!
friend says "Que viva Obama!"
friend is loving this country!!!! USA!!!!!
friend says GOBAMA!!
friend is feeling very happy!
friend is proud of this historic moment in American History! Congrats - President Obama!!

Vote!

Tomorrow is election day. Please vote.
And then, after you vote, go get your freebie!
You can choose from free coffee at Starbucks, a free KrispyKreme star-shaped donut, or a free scoop at Ben & Jerry's! If you live in Texas, I've even seen ads for free tattoo removal on election day. Take a look around town, you never know what you might find!
Go vote!!!!!

Chain of Events

I heard this quote today and thought it was amazing.

I am thankful that...
"Harriet waded so Rosa could sit.
Rosa sat so Martin could walk.
Martin walked so Barack could run.
Barack runs so our (all) children might fly..."

A Day with Friends

and more experimentation with my camera.
The water shot was the toughest because I wanted to slow down the shutter speed enough to capture the fluid movement of the water, but I didn't have a tripod. I had to hold really still. Not too shabby, although I think the composition is lacking. What can I say? I'm learning.
(and of course, as always, if you click on the pics they get bigger)














and these leaves were just too gorgeous to not shoot. the photo, by the way, is straight out of the camera. it contains no color enhancement or editing. i LOVE fall.

Cool Website (blog)

http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/

check it out

Superego Overdrive

According to Freud, your superego is your seat of conscience - your moral judge. If your superego element of personality is too strong you often feel overly guilty. I'm sort of wondering if my superego has taken over today (is it possible to have a one day override?). I came across something today that made me reflect on how much my life and my beliefs have changed over the past 10 years. All I could think, at the end of the process, was how glad I am that I've changed/evolved/grown in the direction that I did instead of the direction that was the obvious choice given my upbringing, friends, and social circle at the time. I am SO glad. That said, I feel sort of guilty for being glad about it. I feel guilty that I feel "better than" where I came from and what I used to believe. In theory, our goal is always to make the decision that is best for us thereby leading us to become better people. Everyone, in essence, chooses their own best self and then dedicates their life to fulfilling this vision of what they either want to or feel they should be. So why feel guilty about becoming the person I think is best? Why feel guilty about feeling "better than" where I came from? Maybe it is because I still know a lot of people who are there and who've made the choice to stay or to head the other direction and it makes me sad. It makes me sad, because while I strive to respect people of all opinions, I have a hard time respecting complacency and blind faith. I think people should believe what they believe, do what they do, go where they go, and decide what they decide because they've actively thought about it and weighed all their options. I could go on and on for hours and this would probably never become less obscure, so I'll spare you. I just feel guilty for feeling better than. I'll have to let the ego do a little work and moderate so I can get back to work and continue to be my logical, rational, productive self.

Scheduled

My exam has been scheduled. I'm testing on Thursday, November 6, 2008 at 9am.
The test goes from 9:00am - 1:00pm and I am not allowed to eat or have anything to drink in the room with me. I'm sure I'd be too nervous to eat/drink anyway, but it just seems like a bad idea to sequester someone for 4 hours with no water intake.
Eh, I'm sure I'll survive.
I'm SOOOOOOO nervous about the exam. If I don't pass it, I have to wait 3 months to take it again.
I absolutely, positively MUST pass it the first time - no pressure.

Ok, B., let's kick each other's rears into gear.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!!!!

Progress

I've made a little progress in my career process this week.
Today, I got my official School Social Work Certification from my State. It authorizes me to work in the public school system. Now I have a few more career options for the future; although, I don't think I want to be in a school right away. We shall see.

Last week, I received notice that I was finally approved to register for the licensing exam. I called and registered (read: paid) and am now waiting on yet another letter containing yet another mystery phone number which I can call and finally set a date! I'm leaning toward November 5th. Eeek!

I have a few study dates on the books with my friend B. I'm hoping we can kick each others' butts into shape.

I applied for a few more jobs, but am not really expecting to hear back.
My plan right now is to take and hopefully pass the exam, go to Spain for Christmas with the fam, and then start seriously looking for work upon my return.

Currently My Fav. Photo...

Edit 10/22/08: I was not a finalist this month, but this was fun, so I'll be sure to enter again.

Off the Island

If you know us, you know we live in a sort of pre-made world/community. My husband spends about 100 hrs/week on the "island" that is this place, and I'm here all the time too. This weekend, he actually had 3 free days!!! so we decided to get off the island and see something new. We spent Sunday in St. Michael's Maryland where we took a river cruise, ate some tasty food, and spent the night in a super romantic bed & breakfast. Monday morning we had breakfast in the sleepy lil town and then headed to Annapolis for a tour of the Naval Academy and the downtown area. What a great little place! We had lunch and then hit the road to check out Baltimore. We drove to Federal Hill and got a great skyline view of Baltimore and the harbor before having dinner in Little Italy. Then we headed back home. We got back around 10:30 last night and crashed. It was such a nice trip. It was great to spend a little quality time together, off the "island," and away from work duties. So, that's where I've been. And now I'm back. I promise to write again soon.
Oh, and if you'd like to see photos of this trip, click on the link in the right side column titled ALVL Photography.

The United States of America

welcomed its newest citizen today - my husband. After 5.5 years of marriage and countless hours spent dealing with USCIS (U.S. Customs and Immigration Services) which is now part of the Dept of Homeland Security - we are done! At around 12noon today, J became a naturalized citizen of the U.S.A. Luckily, he gets to keep his original citizenship too, which is just super cool. He registered to vote and will be participating in the 2008 presidential election on Nov. 4th.

I'm throwing him a party next Thursday to celebrate. I'm planning a menu of USA inspired foods like sliders, tater tots, cracker jacks, etc... and lots o' drinks. It should be a blast.

Congratulations, J.
I love you, you cuddly sweet lil' American you.

Photo Stroll

I thought it might do me some good to get outside today. It is beautiful out! There is a nice crisp fall breeze and plenty of sun and clouds in a bright blue sky. I grabbed a sweater and the camera and took a little stroll. Here are a few random pics for you:
(as always, if you click on them they'll get bigger)

Today Sucks!

Plain and simple. No need for explanation really.
Today was just a crappy crappy day.
It is only 6:38pm and I'm ready for bed.

The morning started off on the right foot.
I got up and ran, I did all of my to-dos before 10am, and I ate a very healthy breakfast and lunch. Then it just all went to hell.

To distract myself, I went with V to do some volunteer work at the local HQ for one of the presidential candidates. We made buttons.

I could end this blog with the words "we made buttons," and maybe leave a more lasting impression; however, given my mood and all out self-pity party, I think I'll end with this:

fvck it all to hell, what a sh!ty day.

Plan for the Week

Here is my plan for the week. Power of positive thought, here we come:

Sunday (today): clean my apartment from top to bottom and get everything in order
Monday: run, light weights, cut out bread/rice/potatoes/pasta, follow-up on job from last week, follow up with the dept of motor vehicles to see if I can get my NJ plates taken care of, pay some bills, make a doctor's appointment, study for the licensing exam, spinning class.
Tuesday: run, light weights, continue to avoid white food, interview at 11, study for the licensing exam, babysit hang out at the Ferg's.
Wednesday: run, light weights, continue to avoid white food, maybe head to IKEA for a nightstand and a coffee table, study for the licensing exam, yoga.
Thursday: run, light weights, continue to avoid white food, study for the licensing exam, go out with my camera and take some photos, watch some TV to decompress.
Friday: continue to avoid white food, study for the licensing exam somewhere other than my sofa (panera, fedora's... somewhere). If J is not on duty maybe I can talk him into a trip into NYC or Philly for dinner. Otherwise, maybe a movie? Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?
Saturday: run, light weights, continue to avoid white food, do something fun - maybe go to the sculpture gardens? who knows.

Other things I hope will happen this week: 1) they'll get back to me about the job and they'll offer it with a start date in the next two weeks, 2) the State will send my letter with all the info I need for registering for the exam, 3) I'll be able to schedule the exam for sometime before mid-October, 4) I'll be able to finalize everything with the dept of motor vehicles, 5) I won't die while running and I'll be able to really avoid white food (and cookies and ice cream) 6) I'll get to the doctor this week to check the heart thing again - driving me frickin nuts.

So, that's my week. At this point if you're still reading I have 2 things to say 1) congrats, you are amazing and I lurve you too, and 2) aren't you glad you aren't me? I bet hope your week is going to be a lot more interesting.

Music

I wrote a post a few months ago about nostalgic smells. Today I've been feeling nostalgic while listening to music and cleaning my very dirty apartment. I tend to associate songs with time periods in my life, major events, people, etc... This is sort of a double edged sword. The memories brought back by a melody can be sweet, but they are often sour. I was scrubbing my sink (very romantic, I know) when my iTunes decided to transport me back in time via its current random playlist selection. I quickly realized where my brain was, what I was hearing, and why this song reminded me of this particular person/place/thing. I thought about how funny it was that music was so engrained into my mind that it had this great amount of power over my actions/thought/emotions. Then I started thinking about all the songs that have a greater connection, meaning for me and I was shocked. There are a lot. LOT!
What song was playing during your first solo adventure in driving? What song was playing during your first kiss? The first time you made love? The first time you traveled to a foreign country - what song was popular? What was your first song with someone you love - you know "our song?" What song reminds you of your mom, dad, sister, brother, niece, nephew, friend? What song reminds you of your first breakup? Your last? What song reminds you of your wedding? What song became your "woman power" anthem? What song makes you feel better when you're sad? What song transports you away from reality all together? I'd love to hear about some of your songs. Here are some of mine, in no particular order and of course without attached meaning - you'll just have to trust me:

Sobrevivire
Gravity
Bitch
Can't Fight This Feeling
Keep on Loving You
Fast Car
Collide
Ice Cream
Romeo & Juliet
Pokito a Poko
En El Muelle de San Blas
Mouth
Don't Forget Me
Worlds Apart
Big Girls Don't Cry
Landslide
Cats in the Cradle
Nothing Else Matters
Look Away

There are more. There are so many more. Ah, well. :: walks out of blog post humming ::

Real? Satire? I'm Confused

I spent my entire day yesterday studying. The whole thing - 8am to 8:30pm - spent staring at my computer and making a power point I'm hoping will help me pass this exam. At about 8:30 I decided to treat myself to a little relaxation and headed for the bathroom. I filled up the tub and soaked for awhile. I could hear the TV blaring from down the hall. J likes to turn it up loud. I swear there is something wrong with his ears, but he's a man and refuses to go to the doctor, but I digress.

So, I'm soaking and trying to relax when I hear politicians (or comedians?) talking on the TV. It occurred to me, after listening for a few minutes, that I simply could not tell whether these were real politicians talking about real things or if this was a satirical show full of political commentary and funnies. J loves to watch both. I thought to myself, "surely if you just listen long enough you'll figure it out." Oh, not so. I listened for quite some time. I had convinced myself no one could actually have that accent and sound so off-beat/off-point and unrealistic - so it must be all in good fun. I was wrong. They were real.

And, you must admit Tina Fey did such a good job "being" Sarah Palin that the lines are getting a little blurry.

The debate is on now. They're both a little heated, blinking a lot, making a ton of assumptions, interrupting each other and the moderator and sort of pissing me off. I already know which way I'm voting and I have absolutely.no.doubt.about.it. But I hate the tense tone that happens in debate. I don't handle it well and it is making me want to run for the tub and stick my iPod earbuds in their rightful places. And, I think if I have to put up with 4 more years of bologna (yep, i had to sing it to spell it - thanks Oscar Meyer) I'm moving to Europe.

Bah! Now I'm rambling... it must be contagious.

Patience

I had a job interview on Monday for a position I'm very interested in.
She said she was checking my references, which I took as a good sign.
What she didn't say was when she might be calling. I have no idea what kind of time frame they're looking at as far as hiring goes.
I sent my thank you note, so I don't think there is anything I can for at least a week - other than wait. I don't really like waiting. I have no patience. Is patience something you can grow/develop?
I really should work on that, because I'm sort of going crazy at the moment.
Will they want to hire me? If so, when will I start? Will I like it? What's going on? Bah!

ESL

The funny thing about languages is that they're funny. Stupid thought, I know.
It is true though. Think about all the sounds you'll never be able to make because you didn't hear them during that critical window of language learning that closes around 6 months - 1 year.
There are a few words that J can't say well at all. In fact, most of the Spanish speakers I know can't say them: focus, beach, sheets, turtle, and the list goes on. There are sounds that get mixed up like the V and the B, or the D and the TH... and most of the time it is just sweet and endearing.
Then there are the times when your darling husband refers to you as a whore - when it isn't so sweet & charming.

So J walks through the door the other day and in his super over exaggerated voice proceeds to attempt to say "hello, gorgeous, I'm home. how was your day?"
Instead, what came out in all its Spanish tainted glory was, "hhhello whorgeous, I'm home. how was your day." Oh my! You should've seen my face. I'm sure bug eyes looked they were going to pop out of my head. That sh!t CRACKED.ME.UP.
I must say, it was way better than being called a witch - meant with all the love & cariño in the world. That one didn't go over so well the first time.

So now that I've relived my ESL fun for the day. I'm going to go jump in the shower and try to salvage what might be left in the productivity department today. I'm off to make myself whore-geous.

My Hubs, the Coach

I went to a soccer game today and watched J coach for a bit.
He absolutely loves his job.



Oh, and I should mention that I used this game time as my workout tonight.
How many calories can you burn snapping pics?

Paying My Dues

I have an MSW. I worked really hard for it.
Long term, I see myself in private practice so that my income is high enough with part-time work that I can dedicate the rest of my time to my family and to working in Human Trafficking. Short-term, I'm no where near these goals. I need to work, under supervision for a couple of years to get the license that would allow me to practice independently... and I need more real world experience. Sometimes the goals and those years seem so far away, until I look back and realize how fast the last few years have gone. It is amazing how much one's life changes in such a short amount of time. I am looking forward to what lies ahead. In any case, I can't climb the ladder toward the top without first stepping on the bottom rung.

Today I had an interview for a job that sounds great. It is sort of bottom rung, but it sounds really interesting to me. I would have free supervision toward said license, which is valued at approx $700/month. It has normal health and retirement benefits and very generous vacation time (4.5 weeks/year!). It pays a LOT less than I was expecting, but it does qualify for the State's student loan repayment program, which will be at least a little helpful. I'm thinking that outweighs salary at this point.

I'm not sure how well I did at the interview. It can go either way. I'm not sure when to expect a call either. She did say she was going to check my references. Hopefully, that is a good thing.
I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed so that I can step up onto that bottom rung and start the climb.


(photo borrowed from Morris on Flickr)

Case of the Blahs

I've got a case of the Blah's. I've blogged about it before - the emotional flu.
I don't have the energy/desire/will to do anything.

My life feels sort of pointless at the moment.
I don't really have a reason to get out of bed in the morning and it is getting harder and harder to make myself do so. I don't have anyone that needs me or depends on me functioning. I don't have anywhere I have to be or anything I have to do. In fact, it would be better for us financially if I didn't leave the house, ever. I'd save gas and save $$ on things I see that I think I need (want).

We moved to this new place, and it is great, but it makes it difficult to feel like I'm actually living my life. Overall, yes, this transition has been the easiest of our 4 major moves, but I think I'm hitting a wall. I have a couple of acquaintances, but no friends. No one to vent to about shit like this.

J is working 80 hr work weeks and I don't ever get to see him. I went to bed alone again last night. He hasn't been to bed before midnight once since we've been here. He is gone when I wake up and isn't home yet when I go to sleep. There is class, sports, games, dorm duty, house meetings, grading, etc.... and I don't fit into the schedule. I sort of knew this is what I was signing on for, but I was hoping it would be different this time. We went to dinner (squished between soccer practice and student tutoring) to talk about it and hopefully we've come up with some solutions, but who knows.

I have an interview on Monday, but we both know it is pointless. They already told me they can't hire me pre-licensure and I haven't taken the exam yet. They know I'm excited about it so they want to meet me, but what's the point?!? The damn State is taking their time in getting my paperwork done, so who knows when the exam will be.
I can't even seem to make myself study. I got through my guide once and did the practice test ... I failed. J says my priority right now needs to be passing this exam, and he's right, but how the hell am I supposed to feel motivated to do anything except sleep.

Maybe I'm just having a bad couple of weeks. 2 weeks ago I chalked it up to PMS, but that is not the case now, unless PMS happens on the 9th day of your (my) cycle. That is a whole other rant for another time and place.

Blah - I'm off to see if I can make myself shower. Maybe I'll attempt to wash the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for a week and a half. Maybe I'll do a load of laundry so that I can see over the top of the pile. Maybe I'll clean the bathroom so I don't feel like I need a seat protector to pee. Maybe not.

High Maintenance Jackass

I'm at Panera (or Bread Co.) and the guy that just sat down in front of me is pissing me off.
First, he has iced tea in one of those little freebie water cups. Jerk. Its not like the extra $1.5o would've broken the bank. He ordered the 1/2 sand. 1/2 soup deal and is eating his bag o' chips as I type. He has sent his sandwich back twice. The first time he sat down it looked like tuna salad, then he sent it back. The manager brought him out a new one - also tuna salad but on different bread and coated in mustard. He took it back. The manager then brought him what appears to be a turkey sandwich and requested that he taste it just to make sure. The customer gives the a-ok sign and the manager starts to walk away. The guy snaps his fingers (yes, snaps!), "sir, sir, excuse me..." and proceeds to request a side of Russian dressing, and if that's not possible, maybe some low-fat mayo or a side of sauteed mushrooms. Dude, this is Panera, seriously! seriously?!?!

If only he knew I was typing about him, he'd probably stop eyeballing me like that. Nice wedding ring, mister. Yes, I noticed yours - did you notice mine? Oh, I feel sorry for your wife. I bet its only a matter of hours before you call her and ask what's for dinner only to send it back to the kitchen 3 times.

ugh.

Crush

I was having lunch at this little hole-in-the-wall deli the other day and overheard the woman behind the counter tell the sandwich maker guy about her daughter's new job. She was going on and on ..and on.. about how much the kid liked her new position. She liked the location, the people, the job responsibilities, the opportunity for growth, and even the money. She apparently likes it so much she said, "mom, i have a total crush on my job." I would really love to find a job I like so much it resembles puppy love. I want to want to go to work. I want to spend all of my time fully dedicated to being there. I want to enjoy the time I spend there and on my way there and on my way home.

I had an interview on Friday at an agency that was crush worthy; however, the position and the salary did not turn out to be. Not to mention, it was a 45 minute commute (37.5 miles) in each direction. I had to turn it down when they offered.

I'm holding out for the hottie in the room.

Friends, food, water polo and pictures

Today we hung out with friends from San Diego who were in town to watch their son play water polo against Princeton. Stanford kicked Princeton@$$ by the way!

Anyway, we spent most of the afternoon with them touring the area and taking pictures. A.P. bought a new pro lens for his 40d - it is enormous! I got a new macro lens for mine - it was a very good deal. I'm super excited about it and got it for less than 1/2 price! Go me! I also found out I can use my regular SLR lenses on my 40d! score!
(apparently, i'm exclamation point happy this evening. apologies)

We had ice cream at the Bent Spoon for merienda and it was awesome. I had one scoop of dark chocolate sorbet and one scoop of bellini which is made with locally grown peaches and prosecco. Yum!

Dinner was awesome, and it turns out the new chef at this place is from Spain. He came out to our table to chat for a few minutes and said he'd take very good care of J from now on. They are trying to incorporate more Spanish dishes into the menu. Everything was super tasty and we got a free order of pulpo a la plancha, courtesy of the chef.

The water polo game was so cool. Stanford beat Princeton by ~ 10 points. I like the game. It moves quickly and is exciting to watch. I decided that if I ever have kids, I could handle being a water polo mom. I'm not as thrilled about soccer/basketball/baseball (some more than others). Shhhhhh... don't tell J.

Cinnamon

might be one of my favorite foods. <3
i make these crazy good bisquick based rolls that take me back to my childhoood - favorite!
those flat and semi chewy round pastries you get in french bakeries that all covered in cinnamon and sugar - favorite!

today V and i went to check out a new bakery in the area and I had a cinnamon roll cupcake. oh my, it was sooooo good. since V likes to bake, she experimented with the cinnamon frosting thing tonight and sent over a care package of 3 mini cupcakes. i am in love.

good thing i ran today :)

Up and running

So I've started running again.
I've gone for the last 2 days.
I . AM . SORE

Goal:

Mini escape

We went to the Jersey Shore last night with some friends acquaintances. They built a house there a few blocks from the beach. We arrived in the middle of tropical storm Hanna, and had dinner at Casa Solar.

We had awesome food, sangria and wine. Then we went back to their house to spend the night.
We got up early this morning and went to the beach! I never knew the Jersey Shore was so nice. I was pleasantly surprised. It was gorgeous. I want a beach house. Here's the beach:

It was wonderful. Most of the tourists are all gone for the season so it wasn't terribly crowded. It was a little rough though because of the storm. The waves were enormous!
The guys played volleyball while us girls sat in beach chairs soaking up the rays.
After a few hrs we went for lunch:

It reminded me of Rubios in Cali... or maybe even Qdoba in STL. In any case, it was GREAT. I loved it. This combined with the beach was the perfect cure for California home-sickness.
I can't believe it is only about a 45 min drive from here! The only missing element of San Diego was frozen yogurt from Yog-Art. It would've been the perfect Cali-like day. We tried something new to see if we could fill the void: Italian Ice!

This is not that grainy stuff you get at Six Flags or even like a slurpee. It has more of a texture like soft serve ice cream and is even sort of creamy. It was yummy! Def. not a substitute for fro-yo, but delicious nonetheless. I had 1/2 PB 1/2 Chocolate all covered in chocolate sprinkles.

It was quite a day. I'm home now and dreaming of real estate I cannot afford. Ha!

My pants don't fit

My pants do not fit. It isn't cool. Last August/September I had to buy new clothes because I lost weight. I was healthier than I had ever been and was at an ideal weight for my body size... and buying the new clothes was a good thing. I ended up with a pair of khaki pants and a pair of black pants that I loved. They fit so well. They were perfect, comfortable, dressy, casual... the multipurpose pants. They don't fit! :(

In one year, I've gained 10 lbs. That is a lot for one year!

Tomorrow, I'm running. Tomorrow, I'm lifting. Tomorrow, I'm dieting!

Positive Thought x 2

Well, it worked. I applied for a job yesterday around noon and got a call back around 4:30.
She "loved [my] resume and would love to interview me" but I'm not licensed yet, so her hands are tied. Boo! She did say she'd flag it and keep it open b/c she was really impressed. I suppose that's good news, right?

I can't really do anything until I pass that damn exam. Hopefully, I'll get a notice from the state that I'm good to go so I can register for a date.

Positive thought: I will receive word from the state, before the end of the week, and will be able to schedule an exam for a day in September. I will the pass said exam and will be flooded with great job opportunities. :)

Positive Thought

The power of positive thinking has been getting a lot of attention lately (think Oprah style). I'm not sure how much I buy into all of this; however, at this point in my life, it can't hurt me. Right?
One of our good friends, M., has been living her life this way for a long time. She keeps lists of her goals and dreams which she reviews daily and meditates over. It seems to be working well for her, and if nothing else it gives her a way to keep track of her "progress" in life.
I made a list like this several months ago and have been reviewing it every once in awhile; although, I find it hard to look at daily. It feels kind of silly having all of my goals and dreams on a piece of paper (word).
Now that we've moved 3000 miles across the country and I'm looking for a job, I'm thinking I need to create a new list of job-related positive thoughts.
I feel like if I share it, maybe it will bring about more positive energy and additional + thoughts from others... sooooo, here goes:

Immediately:
I will find a great job that will be fulfilling and rewarding. It will be an excellent fit and will come to my world quickly. I will receive at least 2 phone calls this week to schedule interviews.
I will be offered and accept a position that sets me up for a long and wonderful career :)

NYC and New Friends

Last weekend we went to NYC to visit one of J's cousins, Maria. She and her husband were on vacation and visiting the city. We hung out with them and new-found-friends Ana and Javier all day, and then the following day they came down to our neck of the woods. It was a great time.
I had my camera with me in NYC and while most of the pics are of the hustle and bustle, here are two that are more serene. I just realized how similar they are - haha. People & trees. Oh well.


Ana & Javier in Washington Park, NYC


J in Central Park

Settling in update # 2

So far this move has been our most comfortable. We aren't totally stressed out about money, the people are actually nice, and we've learned our way around pretty well for being here such a short amount of time. I'm feeling very comfortable here. I'm not sure whether that is a consequence of simply having done this so many times, or if it could be a sign that things are going to be different this time.

Now, if I could only find a job! The thing is, I have to take a licensing exam first. I can't register for that until I have my transcripts. I ordered them several weeks ago and they are still not here. I was told they were mailed 5 days ago... so I'm beginning to worry. Once I register for, take, and hopefully pass the exam, I can start looking for work more seriously.

And, for the all important bug update: GROSS!!!! last night J killed a flying cockroach in our living room. That sucker was ~ 4 inches long. yikes! I'm contacting grounds today to make sure they come check the seal on our windows. ew!!!

New York

We are going to NYC tomorrow to meet up with J's cousin who flew in from Spain for some sightseeing and to take advantage of the crazy euro:dollar ratio. I'm excited to see the city. We've been told we must check out Soho and the West Village. The cousin wants to see China Town. I'll be back on Sunday or Monday with pics.

La Lenteja

Congratulations are in order!!!
I can't believe I haven't posted this yet, so here it is:

CONGRATULATIONS Kara & David on your little lentil bean baby-to-be.
I can't wait to meet him/her. I'm so happy for you guys!

You must send belly pictures and keep us posted on everything baby.
We love you guys (all 3 of you).

Stroll

We took a stroll yesterday. Here are a few pics of things that caught our eyes.
I took a couple with my new 40d (yikes!) and J took a couple with our point-and-shoot.
Not sayin' they're any good, but here they are - straight out of the camera:

Knot in my throat

::: Warning this post is Graphic :::

I have a knot in the back of my throat that just won't go away.
I had a nightmare last night/this morning that J. died.
He didn't just die though. He jumped off a bridge/overpass.

We were walking down the sidewalk in what was some weird combination of San Diego and Spain (ah, dreams) and all of a sudden we reach this spot on an overpass. Underneath us is just a concrete walkway or path with a bunch of trees off to one side. It was like a park where people were just out strolling. Then, as if he'd always known this was his calling, he says to me, "this is the such-and-such place where people sacrifice themselves for such-and-such cause." Then, he jumps. He doesn't say goodbye or even explain. He just jumps. And in my dream I scream for him to stop but it is too late. I watch him fall all the way down and I see him land. I actually *hear* him land. I've never had such a vivid dream. I've never had such an unpleasant dream. It was horrific. Everyone came running over from both sides of the streets to look down at the latest martyr of the cause (whatever it was). At this point I've fallen to the ground and all I can say is "he jumped" over and over again, in Spanish. No one seems to care that I just lost my husband, and no one seems to know how I can get down there to check on him. Not that checking on him would've done any good. It was very obvious he was dead. I saw/heard it.

Oh my! I never knew dreams could be so graphic and terrifying. I woke up in a panic and J. was not in bed next to me. 2nd scary moment of the day. I called out for him. He was in the office reading. He came right in and laid down next to me and let me cry it out for a good 20 mins. His head was whole. It was all I could think. His head was whole.

Now, I've studied a lot of psychology and I do counseling/therapy, but I don't really know anything about dreams.
J. says, "well, what would you say to a client that came to you with a dream like this?" I have no idea. I said, "well, I'd probably just assume they were stressed out." Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just stressed out.

The dream dictionary says it could be 1 of 2 things. Possibility # 1) our relationship or some significant part of it has died, or
Possibility # 2) new life, pregnancy.

So, let me say that I think our relationship is pretty strong right now and I don't think pieces of it are dying and I am not pregnant. So.... I'm going to call this one out as stress, but I will say that I never never never NEVER want to have a dream like that again.

Brain blowout

Apparently there really does come a point at which you cannot stuff any more information into your brain without losing some other piece of needed knowledge.

I took my LSW exam prep course today and one of the best, most highly recommended strategies is to not study too much. I've gone that route before in my life, and it has worked to my advantage. This feels different. This is my whole career on the line. Can I really just "not study too much?"

I am going to go ahead and register for a test date and give myself ~ 2 weeks to study. Then, I'm going for it. Whatever I can't review or learn in 2 weeks will just have to go unlearned and save space for whatever is actually stored back there in the depths of my long-term memory. Pass or fail, I'm sure I'll survive.

In the meantime, it is on with the job hunt and paperwork.
Moving creates a lot of paperwork.

Oh! Did I tell you? I got a NJ drivers license? Eh, it is ok, I guess. I like the California one better though. At least I still have CA plates on my car, so when I do something stupid in traffic I can just blame it on my lack of NJ driving wisdom. You can almost hear the "damn CA drivers!" :)

Update

I have been informed that it is time for an update.
Here goes...

-The bugs are still B.I.G.
-The car finally arrived
-NYC and Philly are still just as close as they were at last blog entry
-Princeton is super cute and gorgeous
-There are a lot of great photo ops around
-Most major stores that I need are within a 10 min drive
-I found a Trader Joe's and will be driving there at least once each month to stock up on the basics. I can NOT live without a TJs.
-Most of our stuff has been unpacked and put away
-We went tubing down the Delaware with a friend the other day and it was amazing. It was really relaxing and very scenic.
-Most restaurants, even the little shacks on the corner like the one at the river, have veggie options
-It rains & storms a lot and I like it
-Taking my licensing prep class on Thursday
-Applying for jobs & studying for class

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad, You Take them Both and There You Have...

The facts of my life so far in New Jersey.

The Good:
1) The scenery/nature is beautiful.
2) The people are amazingly friendly. Wanna know how friendly? Well, I'll tell you...
2A: The first day we were here I had a breakdown over not being able to access cash at the one ATM within walking distance (our car isn't here yet). Two super nice women at the bank, Cassie and Michelle, sat with J and I for over an hour working with our bank to help us out. It was completely unnecessary and they went above and beyond the call of duty.
2B: The second day we were here we borrowed a car and went to Target to pick up some things we needed for our new space. We checked out in two separate lines to speed things up, as we had 2 carts entirely full o' stuff. I finished first and was waiting around waiting for J. A young woman saw me standing there with a full cart and offered to help me to my car since she only had one small bag. So nice!
3) Philadelphia is really close. We went there today to grab a dresser at IKEA. It has such a cute downtown area and Penn's landing looks super cool. We'll have to check it out.
4) NYC is really close too!
5) I'm back on a "normal" time zone. In California, one just feels so far behind in time. By the time you get around to doing errands/busy work the rest of the country shuts down. Here, one is up and about before the rest of the country's alarms are going off.
6) No pumping your own gas! In NJ all gas stations are full service. I'm sure I'll be very happy about this in mid January. And, they're still cheaper than San Diego.
7) Let's not forget free housing
8) " " " free internet
9) " " " free cable and utilities
10) " " " free food whenever I want.
11) a Six Flags theme park about 15 mins away
12) very tasty restaurants in the area
13) a super cute university town nearby
14) lots of free resources like gym, library, tennis courts, etc...
15) closer to Europe

The Bad:
1) My car is still not here. Boo!
2) Other than driving to Philly and NYC, there isn't a whole lot around.
3) The other family that lives here (one of J's superiors) is awful. Ok, I shouldn't say that. The husband might not be awful, but I've only met the wife. Awful is a nice word. Granted, the fire alarm went off at 11pm and I'm sure it woke her up... but did she have to blame/accuse us? As if we didn't know what a fire alarm was and we'd just be playing with it for shits & grins? And without even an introduction. Way to make a first impression during the first meeting with your new housemates. Ugh!
4) NJ has bugs. Big ones. I forgot about bugs. California doesn't really have bugs. I hate hate hate bugs. Did I mention NJ has big ugly giant bugs that I hate?
5) I'm still far from my family
6) I don't really know anyone here
7) I am surrounded by boxes that need unpacking
8) Jug-handles. In NJ there are these things called "jug handles" that one faces while driving. Sometimes you can't turn left. You have to turn right to turn left. Kinda like in Europe. I'm not sure if encountered one of these yet or not - oops! haha
9) my car's not here yet
10) my car is not here yet
11) my car is not here yet
12) there are BIG bugs here
13) the bugs here are BIG
14) the bugs here are many
15) there are a lot of bugs here

Sidenote: the bugs are all outside. luckily, not many bugs have found their way inside. i think they've been warned about the 15 cans of bug spray i bought yesterday (may be an exaggeration).

Live from SAN

Live from the San Diego airport...
Do airports = anxiety for anyone else or just me?
They just delayed my 8:50 flight to 9:50 which means I land at 6am instead of 5am.





Ugh.



blech!

blah!

ugh!

3 Days and Some Hope

I have 3 days left in La Jolla and then it is off to New Jersey.
I hope we like it there.
I hope our stuff makes it there and we get settled in quickly.
I hope we each make new friends and that we make couple-friends quickly.
I hope to get involved in the community.
I hope we follow through on our plans to take martial arts classes together.
I hope I keep trying to figure out photography.
I hope I find a job quickly.
I hope I make enough money to make the move worth it.
I hope I pass the licensing exam.
I hope our family comes to visit often.
I hope our friends come to visit often.
I hope to get the beach at least once before the end of summer.
I hope I don't have to move again for a long long while.

The Mad Dash

to the finish line has begun. Warning: this blog entry is not going to be fun or poetic.
We are moving. Moving sucks. Packing is awful and trying for figure out the logistics and timing of everything is just overwhelming. Our movers gave us a 2-day window and said they'd be here on 7/24 or 7/25. On Monday they called and said it would be 7/25 for sure. Now, they want to switch to 7/24. This wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that our building is renovating the elevator and blocked off 7/25 for our use, but not 7/24. Now I'm waiting on a call back from the building manager who is waiting on a call back from the elevator company...and the movers want an answer like.now. Why is this my problem? They knew the possibility and told me to release 7/24 for the elevator - and now they want to reclaim it. Ugh!
Not only does it mean a hussle up with the elevator, it means we have one less day to pack. Luckily, we're almost done and it shouldn't be a problem... but that's not the point.
They also lost our fax of the table of measures, which cost me $5.00 to print and fax from Kinko's. Now I have to go refax it. $2.49 for the first page, $1.49 for the subsequent pages. ugh. At least I'll get out of the house and away from the boxes for a few minutes.
The car is also being picked up today at some point between 1:00 - 4:00 this afternoon.
Thank goodness we have a friend who is loaning us a vehicle for the next 7 days.
Our flight leaves next Wed. which means we have to live in an empty apartment with nothing but an air mattress, two towels, and our luggage. fun fun.
I guess if I'm looking on the bright side, it means we'll get to try all the restaurants we haven't tried yet. ugh.

Ok, rant over. I'm wasting time.

12 hours later: additional note - being distracted by the logistics helps one avoid actually thinking about the move and all its implications. now everything is in a box and will be picked up in about 9 hours. I'm sad.

Nostalgic Nostrils

Sometimes smells just take me back to another time or place. These can be pleasant or not. The smell of leftover, reheated pasty pasta & tomato sauce reminds of my elementary school cafeteria - ick! The smell of play-doh takes me back to childhood, simpler times. It has to be name brand play-doh though or it is just not the same. Is there anyone that doesn't love this smell? Ah, sigh.

This morning around 3am I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. As I sat in my living room and looked out my balcony door, I took a deep breath of coastal air. I love that foggy marine layer that sweeps in over a sleepy seaside town during the early hours of the morning. You can smell the salt in the air and everything is peaceful, calm, serene. Funny thing is that as much as I adore that smell/experience, it shouldn't really be nostalgic. I grew up landlocked in Missouri - no ocean or marine layer to speak off (er, smell). But the experience and the smells do take me back. They take me back to my worry-free, travel abroad, live life to the fullest days. This morning as a I sat there breathing in mist and salt, I decided the warm reminiscent feeling I was having was of a trip I took to San Blas. I had an extended break from school in Guadalajara and jumped on some old school bus with faith that I'd appreciate wherever I ended up. San Blas was wonderful. It is just this small coastal town where life creeps along at such a relaxed pace you sort of lose your sense of time. I only spent a few days there, but they were amazing. I can't even explain it, but they forged a multi-sensory memory deep in my brain and this morning I was glad for a little nostalgia and reminiscing.

I have about 14 days left here in San Diego and I hope to have these 3am experiences more often. I decided that next time I'm going to put my running shoes on and go for a run on the beach. Ah, sigh.













(pic borrowed from gtb104 on flickr. thank you!)

What color is this?

Is this brown, green, hazel?
What do you think?

Double standards

I've been thinking a lot about double standards lately. Why is ok for one person do something but not another? I'd like to make this a very theoretical blog post, but it just isn't. It is much more practical and focused on my own life (one of the joys of having your own blog is that you can talk about yourself and if someone doesn't like it they can just stop reading).

So, as I was saying: double standards.
I do this a lot. Do you?

For example... I have a very happy husband. Good thing, right? Well, yes, but...
He sings in the grocery store, plays air guitar while driving, constantly begs for my attention during lip synching madness, and would not hesitate to skip-to-his-lou down the sidewalk or across a parking lot. I, on the other hand, am no skipper. For inexplicable reasons it really bothers me when he does these things. I end up yelling about it, but I don't know why I care. I mean, so what if other people think he's a nut? (be on the look out for the double standard... its coming soon)

I have this friend who is super excited about life all the time, even when she's depressed she can entertain herself. We're at a theme park this week (see post below) and she is wandering around singing along with the music playing over the PA system. Do I care? Nope. I think its funny. We're standing in line for a terrifying roller coaster and she puts a water bottle on her head (like balancing on top). She holds it there for several minutes, even as we are walking up the stairs. Do I care? Nope. I found it sort of funny, and the explanation of her being the only one in her high school production of Fiddler on the Roof that didn't need the hat to help balance stuff on her head was sort of endearing - aw.

So why the double standard? Why do those things bug me with J and not with my friend, sister, mom, neighbor, etc.... ??

I think it is great he has no sense of shame. J, if you're reading this, keep on skipping-to-your-lou and drag me along next time :)

Fear

I went to Magic Mountain this week. I am one of those people that love roller coasters and hate them at the same time. I hate them from a distance, while in line, and while boarding. I hate them while riding and then somewhere around the 20th second I fall in love and love it until the end. I always think they're pretty cool... but I hate them first. It is a bag of mixed emotions.

This week, I worked up all my courage and rode a few of the top roller coasters in the world. Heard of the newly redesigned (and more terrifying) X2? Or how about Tatsu? Riddler's Revenge? Let me just say I lovehate roller coasters. I love funnel cake. I hate those giant turkey legs. Ah, theme parks!

X2 asks, "Are you type A or type X." I think we know the answer to that one! LOL

Field of Dreams

If you build it they will come....
Or so they say.

Today, I spent WAY too much $$ and bought a Canon digital SLR camera that is WAY more advanced than I need just because I really liked it and hope to someday actually discover, create, cultivate a talent for taking pictures. So, I took the first step and bought the equipment. Now I need to buy books, take classes, learn theory and practice practice practice!!
Hopefully the skill & talent will come.

Let's just keep all our lil' fingers & toes crossed that I don't drop the damn thing.

a little slow

so i'm a little slow and just bought the Last Kiss soundtrack a couple of weeks ago.
i LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

LOVE it.

Gifted

I am so excited that I can finally blog about this! I've been keeping a little (ok, its pretty big) secret from J. for the past month and a half. For his birthday I wanted to surprise him with something unique. I'd been reading a lot about boudoir photography and its increasing popularity among young engaged/married couples. I thought about it and decided to give it a try.
I ended up getting a 10 x 10 book of amazing shots that are elegant, beautiful and very artistic. I also got a smaller book (7x7 maybe) of shots that are highly artistic and slightly (read: significantly) more revealing which is just unbelievably gorgeous.

If you know me at all, you know two things 1) i do not and have not ever thought i was beautiful. hell, i never even thought i was remotely attractive at all... and 2) i do NOT take good pictures.

Well, thanks to the amazing, wonderful, uber talented and gifted photographer Michael Browers, I have these two awesome albums/books and am just stunned at my own "beauty." AMAZING WORK on the part of the photog for sure.

Anyway, today I finally got to give the pics/books to J. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
Woohoo! I've been so excited about this for weeks.

2nd book for the week

My second read of the week: "Just Breathe" by Susan Wiggs.
It is a great beach read. It is long but reads quickly.

I had an advanced reader copy. The published version is expected in Sept 08 as far as I can tell.
Highly recommend.

Sand & Surf

I spent my entire morning with a new novel, which I loved. It was an advanced reader so it isn't available for purchase yet... but I recommend it highly - "Sarah's Key."

Then I went to the beach and sat there on the sand listening to the waves crash for a few hours.

Post-playa I went to Pannikin and created the best "sell myself" version of a resume I could muster while surfing the 'net for jobs.
We're moving to NJ and I have to start looking now.
I think I'd rather surf a wave than those silly 'lil job sites. ugh.

hire me puh-lease!

Random thought

Here is my random thought of the day...
I guess I haven't looked at my arm in a few years, so I totally forgot about this

On my left arm, I have freckles/moles (they're freckles if they're flat, right?) that form the shape of the big dipper.
Well, actually, I'm one dot short, but who else has the big dipper on their arm? I mean really?

Surprise Yourself!

There are very few surprises left in life. That's why mom says you shouldn't find out the sex of your unborn child until they pop their pretty little head (and private parts) out into the world for all to see. I say it is a surprise whether you find out in your 4th month or you 9th.
In any case, there is a website out there designed to let you surprise yourself whenever you want.
SomethingStore originally struck me as a really stupid idea, but it is growing on me.
Basically, you pay $10 per item, which includes shipping charges, and they send you a surprise gift. You don't get any say whatsoever... you just have to wait and see what the handsome uniformed man in brown drops off at your doorstep. You can scroll through some of the stuff they've shipped over the last couple of weeks. It ranges from pedicure kits to art kits, from $20 gas gift cards to iPods and digital cameras... sort of amazing really - but it is totally luck of the draw. I think the idea of randomly surprising myself is growing on me - there aren't very many surprises left in life.

Notes: 1) i haven't tried this yet, but if you do, please let me know how it goes
2) i saw they sent out a pair of ladies' jeans - how do they know what size to send? hmmm

Perspective

I found this really great website ---> www.mint.com
It keeps all your financials in one spot. Admittedly, it is a little scary to think of all the hacking possibilities, but I prefer to just ignore that little voice. The site works for me.
It has this really cool summary/graph feature that shows you how much spend in each category each month - holy fast food batman! Well, not exactly "fast food" but between the occasional subway sandwich, a few coffees, and many meals out on the town - I think I spent something like $750 this month eating out (that would be on top of my $400/month grocery bill). Yikes!
Granted, when you travel and hang out with friends you can spend more than normal, I suppose.
And, those croquetas de chocolate were totally worth it :)

Prenatal Silliness

We ate lunch at a Jewish bakery/deli today. There is actually a dessert on the menu called "Prenatal Silliness." Can you guess what it is (other than totally non-appetizing)?
Chocolate ice cream served with chopped pickles and your choice of additional toppings! yikes!
Thank goodness I don't have to worry about this yet.
And, if the time ever comes to actually have babies, I hope I never ever get a craving for "prenatal silliness."

And, not to mention - what a title!?!

Perfect Eyes Without Perfect Vision

I have perfect eyes. Not in a conceited sort of way - in a medical way. I've always had better than 20/20, and I can read small print from a mile away (this may or may not be an exaggeration). I got lucky. I don't have to mess with contacts or glasses or stuff being blurry ... and I see equally well in the a.m as in the evening. Very lucky.

Not so lucky, however, when it comes to having a talented eye.
I took a photography class in college and loved it, although I took some of the least creative and technically poorest quality photos of everyone in the class. I learned to take pictures on a very old, 100% manual camera before switching to my fully automatic one. Both were film, and I only shot in black & white. I'm not sure technique was my problem... I'm fairly certain it was my lack of creative vision. I have such a hard time visualizing photographs before I take them.

As pieces of art, I love photographs. I can generally tell a good one from a bad one - as long as they are someone else's and not my own. I love images and would love to get back into photography. I just don't really feel like I have the talent for it. Can you have a hobby and be bad at it?

And if I'm going to be bad at it, can I justify spending the $2k I want to spend on a new digital SLR? Hello Canon :)

I wish my perfect lil' eyes would also produce a perfect photographic vision.

Anyway, I'm not pretending to be good at this, but will post pics occasionally anyway. If you scroll down through the blog you'll find some macro flower shots I took last summer. And, here is a cool one I took a couple of weeks ago with my little point 'n' shoot:

My Mosaic

I was recently reading a blog I check from time to time, and the blogger had this really cool mosaic on their page. Basically, you answer 12 questions about yourself and do an image search on flickr... you have to pick one image from just the FIRST page of results. You put them all together to make a super cool, personal mosaic. Here is mine :)

Power of the Universe

I'm not sure where I stand on the whole "God" thing. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around anything that makes sense, yet. For right now, I'm just trying to live my life the best way I can. Many of the people in my life seem to believe in the power of the universe, a la "Secret" style. I'm not so sure... but like with most other religions or ways of thinking, I sort of figure what can it hurt? So today I wrote down the things I'm looking forward to in my life. Sort of like my list of pre-accomplishment accomplishments. I'm not holding on to them too hard, but I think they'll serve as a nice reminder of where I want to go and who I want to be, even if nothing else ever comes of having done it.

Things are going well right now. I am living a life with very few regrets and am enjoying each day. Now that school is over and I can't look for work until I take the licensing exam... well... I have a lot of beach time. If only the US Open hadn't drawn in so many stinkin' tourists, I might actually get some sun and surf. Golf! Hmmphf. ;)

Congratulations My Sister

Congrats to my little sister on her marriage
and welcome to my new brother-in-law!!

Really Done!

Done done done
Graduated
Done

WOOHOO!!!!

Sweet Spikette, MSW

What a week!

Saturday 5/10 - my birthday:
celebrated in SD with J

Sunday 5/11 - air travel:
spent on a plane traveling
mother's day: spent with mom & grandma

Monday 5/12 - time zone adjustment & shopping:
sleeping until noon and shopping with my mom & sister

Tuesday 5/13 - photogs & food:
spent seeing friends and eating good food, yum!

Wednesday 5/14 - venture into the great beyond:
Michal and her mom come for a visit!
And more shopping with mom & sister

Thursday 5/15 - last call!:
preparation of all final "stuff" for my sister's bridal shower
And picking J up from the airport

Friday 5/16 - pride:
graduating (read: trying not to fall on my face as I cross the stage)

Saturday 5/17 - well wishing:
celebrating my sis's upcoming wedding by throwing a bridal shower and bachelorette party

Ah, what a week!

Jersey it is

We're moving to NJ at the end of July.
If you want to come visit in San Diego, you'd better get to bookin' the tix.

Narrowing the vision

So the seemingly endless list of possibilities is shrinking.
The finalists are:
La Jolla, CA
Lawerenceville, NJ
Colorado Springs, CO
Bethesda, MD
Greenwich, CT
maybe Charlotte, NC
and possibly Hobe Sound, FL
I know it still seems huge, but it has been narrowed quite a bit. Now it is just wait and see.

other things I find shrinking, sadly:
my patience
my faith in people
a number of friendships
my expectations
my bank account
the time left between today and another birthday
the readership of my blog

some things I'd like to shrink:
the number of calories in ice cream and pizza
the number of days between weekends
and my body. well, maybe not shrink, but definitely tone.
I'm off to the gym to kick myself in the non-ass.
ciao

I suppose congratulatons are in order

Congratulations to a dear friend who no longer has to ask existential questions about falling trees making noise in a forest even if no one is around to hear them. A tree is a tree and whether it is heard or not, it makes a sound when it crashes. Even though I still wonder about the noise a tree makes....you have figured it all out. Congratulations on not having to ask questions!

Congratulations to a dear friend who no longer has to wonder whether or not the right person, soul mate will be found. If you think you're in love, know you're in love, and feel you are in love - well, then, you probably are...and even though you didn't really listen to my words of caution...I suppose congratulations are in order. Congratulations on your engagement!

Congratulations to my dear friend who has expanded their circle. Everything has a season - a time and place. Thankfully, you now live in a city with all 4 seasons...and have developed as many circles of friends. Even though I'm still trying to figure out how to use my compass....your circles are drawn. Congratulations on expanding your world and surviving the change of seasons!

Congratulations to my dear friend who is moving on to the next chapter of their life with a move far far away. You have found a chance at a new beginning. I hope you grab it, embrace it, and never look back. I hope you find peace in your place - in your new life. Even though my path is still covered in fog, yours is now clear. Your decision is an easy one. Congratulations on your new beginning!

Queen of the universe

The miracle question: if you woke up tomorrow and everything was perfect, what would that look like? Or, as I've been saying a lot lately, if I were queen of the universe____ (fill in the blank). I've said it at least ten times in the last three weeks, but each thing has been trivial or completely absurd. But today I realized I really do have to ask myself this question. If I were queen of the universe....what?!? What are my dreams and my goals? What do I want my life to look like? Where do I want to be? With whom? What inspires me? What doesn't? And then, with all those questions answered, I have to ask how will I get there? What can I personally do to get there? What must the universe (or whomever your supreme being/power is) do for me in order for me to get there? How do we (or do we really) ever know what we want/need out of our lives? Where does such clarity come from? I have pretty clear ideas about what I want to do professionally, but other than that, I'm standing in the center of a fog.
Hmm, if I were queen of the universe ______

The accumulation of stuff

I have moved 5 times in the last 8 years, and am working on a 6th.
When packing time rolls around, I am consistently amazed at how much crap I managed to accumulate. I'm not even sure where it all comes from, or how it got here. Inevitably, there is a trash bag or two full of donate-ables or trash-ables....and occasionally I run across a "whose is this?" kind of an item. My hypothesis at the moment is that the socks currently in question must be from a neighbor's left over laundry....hmmm.

Anyway, the last 5 moves have helped me reduce my unnecessary crap to a bare minimum. Today, I managed to pack everything I currently own. It took me about 6 hours, but it is all nicely organized and should all fit comfortably (ok, maybe snugly) in my car. One of us might end up riding on the roof, but don't tell Jules. teehee (just kidding, sort of).

I really don't have that much stuff, which is good, I suppose. I'm not really a materialistic kind of gal. This move seems to have produced some sort of trade-off between shoes and books. I am down to 3 pairs of daily wear shoes + 1 pair of heels and up to about 5 boxes of books + 2 boxes of notes. I'd say I made a good trade, but only time will tell. :)

This whole year has been a whirlwind. Time flew; time stood still. Leaving will be bittersweet. Staying isn't a good idea either. Life changes and nothing ever stays the same. I would rather hold on to the good memories and take them with me. The great thing about our experiences and memories is that they do not need to be consolidated or traded every time we move or start a new chapter in our lives. They make us who we are, help us gain perspective, and can never be taken away. So here's to the next unknown chapter, new experiences, and the forging of new memories to be filed right along side the old ones.

Done!

I'm done! I finished my very last MSW course today!!!!
I can hardly believe it!
and congrats to my dear friend, René, who successfully defended his dissertation today. Way to go Doctor :)

Sublime seas

Be not the slave of your own past.
Plunge into the sublime seas,
dive deep and swim far,
so you shall come back with self-respect,
with new power,
with an advanced experience
that shall explain and overlook the old

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Another new addition...

meet baby cristina, the newest addition to the family
(sorry it is a little blurry. i didn't take it. was was emailed to me from Espana.)

Social work, my building, and my self-confidence

First of all, let me warn you that I'm supposed to be writing a paper but am procrastinating instead. Brace yourself for a LONG blog :)

A little bit of background information:

So I live in this building in a not-so-nice part of St. Louis. I would NEVER walk alone outside here, even during the day. St. Louis was the number one city for crime last year, don't ya know. Anyway, even among the locals, this part of town is not the safest; it is cheap.
Unfortunately, given our social, economic, and political environments in this country - cheap goes with poor - poor goes with minority - and in St. Louis, the biggest minority is "black." (thanks SEPE)

So, I live in this primarily African American building with most people on public assistance.
Because the management company SUCKS, they do not maintain this building as much as they do their buildings in nicer, white neighborhoods. Unfortunately, I get the feeling the residents here are sort of used to that and are simply resigned to the fact that they have no voice when it comes to the living conditions in this building. We have cockroaches galore, mice, people and/or their pets peeing the elevator or pooping on the carpet (someone please give the dog some immodium), broken or even changed locks, and no respect.

I tried to be a good social worker and advocate and have spoken with the management a number of times. I even took them a ziploc baggie full of roaches once :) way to make a statement huh? They bombed the building 2 days later, just in case you were wondering.

Even with all of my highly creative efforts, the building is still in shambles and no one cares.

About 8 weeks ago (roughly) the fire alarm went of at 12:30 am...and it kept going for like 45 minutes. One would think that the fire department would somehow be alerted. This is a 6 story building with businesses in the bottom. Not to mention, it is located directly across the street from the local fire house. So after 30 minutes of waiting, I decided to call 911 just so they'd send someone to silence the damn alarm so I could sleep. It took them 15 mins to cross the street. I was furious. Fuming. I was saying some not so nice things out loud in front of all my fellow residents and was determined the management would be hearing about this.

Now, all during my ranting there is this guy standing next to me. He's sort of cute, and has a foreign accent. I don't really think he understood my frustration - in fact, I'm pretty sure he thought I was either crazy or just a bitch.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I meet Mr. Foreign-guy-with-cute-accent in the parking lot. He asks me if I'm in a better mood now that the building isn't buzzing. LOL - must love a sense of humor. In any case, we made small talk and I tried to recoup what little dignity I had left.

Fast forward 4 weeks. I'm standing in the elevator with a friend. Mr. Foreign-guy-with-cute-accent enters and we all have a pseudo-Grey's moment of silence before he asks if we live together. We don't and we share that little tid-bit of info.

Fast forward 1 week (that would be today). I pull into the parking lot, park and proceed to walk to the door. At exactly the same time Mr. Cute Accent (for short) gets out of his car and walks to the door. Him - "are you just getting home from school?"
Me (thinking, no, but it is a long story and it involves beer) - "Yep, long day"
Him - "where do you go to school"
Me - "Wash U"
Him - "Oh, really, I work at Wash U"
Me - "Oh, great. What do you do?"
Him - "I'm a scientist. I work in the med school."
Me - (very impressed) "Oh, wow, that's very exciting."
Him - "So what are you studying"
Me - "Oh, I'm finishing up my Masters in Social Work."
Me - (thinking he must remember how un-social-worky my fire night was, and trying to crack a joke) "I'm a people person, usually - unless you're the fire department or the building management"

Now, here's the killer..... Mr. Foreign-guy-scientist-cute-accent says, "What? You don't provide social work to those people?"

Ouch! He totally had a point. I had to redeem myself, right?

Me - "Well, I try to be a good social worker and advocate for our fellow residents in the building, but all of my efforts have been futile."
Him - "Have you tried not yelling. Maybe start with a little psychology? They teach you that, right? People usually react better to that."
Me (trying to keep my sense of humor) - "Ah, yes, I tried the talking and the psychology, but what I find works the best with this particular company is the yelling. They don't hear the talking."

So conversation dies for a second while we're in the elevator. It is awkward. So I ask about the job. Scientist, eh? (I think I actually said "eh"). He says he has a PhD in math and works in the lab in the Med School studying bacteria - he gives the example of salmonella as he walks away the door closes. (just an afterthought, but I wonder if he could smell the Sam Adams)

So, apparently I'm a terrible social worker who lives in a terrible building and who is not so smooth when it comes to Mr. Smarty Pants with the very cool accent.

Ah the life.

(wow, that was REALLY long)

Yes, you can

It is the end of the semester, and the end of the program for some. The work load is piled up and deadlines are approaching....but I just wanted to say....

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day.

The US CDC, based on new technology and revised statistical analysis, has raised estimates of the number of people infected each year from the 30k-40k range up to the 50-60k range. Nearly half of all those infected contract HIV before age 25.

Even in this country, the wealthiest on Earth, we cannot take care of all of those who need medication, a primary care home, and extensive medical follow up. When pharmaceutical companies (like Abbott) decide to raise the cost of the patented drugs by 150% in a given year, what are we to do?

I have a friend whose father is an HIV doctor in Africa. I want to say he is in Ghana, but I could be mistaken. In any case, the father often talks about how the infrastructure of the nation is crumbling due to the huge number of AIDS deaths each day. It is like you show up for work one day as a mail carrier or an airline pilot, but half of your co-workers are too ill or have died and so you can no longer do your job, and you can no longer live your life as it was before.

There are so many pieces to this puzzle ranging from international and domestic policy, pharmaceutical companies, corrupt governments, poverty, cultural stigma surrounding sex, the Catholic church's ban on condom use, the oppression of women, the lack of safe needle exchange locations, to the "down low," etc....

But in any case, today is the 19th annual World AIDS Day. How will you support the cause?

Like a mixed tape, sort of....

When I'm sad, I often turn to music as therapy.
This time, it is just not possible.
Damn the lyrics!!
I've been avoiding music for the past few days
(and internet and cell phones and people).
NPR and classical (lyric free) music have been occupying my commute. Unfortunately, my head still holds all the songs and all the words, so even though I'm not listening to them, I hear them.

In the interest of being a good therapist...
here is a list of sad music I typically find helpful.
Maybe it will help you when you're feeling sad?!?
I'll try to do a "happy" list soon.
These are not in any particular order but are all worth listening to at least once :) even if not for self-therapy...some of them are just really good songs. If you click on the song title it will take you to a video.

Melissa Etheridge, "Breathe"
Way Out West, "Don't Forget Me"
James Blunt, "Goodbye My Lover"
Sara Bareilles, "Gravity"
Billie Meyers, "Kiss the Rain (Chasing Amy version)" - very cool version of this song, but be warned the video is terrible. I couldn't find the actual movie scene.
Kendall Payne, "Scratch"
Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry" (a little more upbeat, but still sad)
Frou Frou, "Let Go"
Mat Kearney, "Breathe In Breathe Out"
La 5a Estación, "Cosa de Dos"
Cristina Aguilera, "Pero Me Acuerdo de Ti"
Sarah McLachlan, "I Will Remember You"
La Oreja de Van Gogh, "Rosas"
Andrea Bocelli & Sara Brightman, "Time to Say Goodbye"
Evanescence, "My Immortal"
Candlebox, "Far Behind"
Chantal Kreviazuk, "Leaving on a Jet Plane"
El Canto del Loco, "Puede Ser"
La 5a Estación, "Tu Peor Error"
Lifehouse, "Somewhere in Between"
Maná, "En el Muelle de San Blas"
Ray LaMontagne, "Can I Stay"
Tracy Chapman, "Fast Car"
The Weepies, "Gotta Have You"
Jon Secada, "Just Another Day (Without You)"
Alex Ubago, "Sin Miedo a Nada"
Sara Bareilles, "Between the Lines"
La 5a Estación, "Sueños Rotos"
Allie Moss, "You" (you have to click on it to get it to start)
Lifehouse, "Everything"

ok, this list could go on for hours. but at least it is a place to start. enjoy.

Gloomy day

It has been pretty gloomy and cold for the last couple of days. Today is not an exception - the rain keeps falling from a sky that seems to have become permanently gray. This is the kind of day when you hear your warm bed calling your name from across town, and the temptation to hide away is almost overwhelming.

The weather outside is not the only gloomy force in my world right now. If it isn't obvious from my daily ranting and raving, my life seems to have shifted to gray, permanently. As an ode to gray, this blog entry is a mini pity party.
Read on at your own risk

I know that in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty good. I am finishing grad school, I have family, a husband, enough food to eat, clothes to wear, gas in my car, and a few people in my life I call friends. You would think that would make one happy, and it should; unfortunately, it isn't working for me right now.

I am a planner. I need to know what is happening, when, in what order, and then I need to know what all the possible consequences of the outcome(s) could possibly be. I think maybe I take decision making to an extreme - although I have good reason. Right now, my life has no plan. I know I'm in practicum until 12/19, in school until 12/20, doing the christmas thing with the familia until 12/25 in the p.m., and then I think I'm driving back to california on 12/26. After that, it is all up in the air. This creates an ENORMOUS sense of anxiety in my world in addition to the educational stress of having 4 weeks left in the semester. Add on top of that a ton of emotional stress and my world feels gloomy. Emotional stress, hmm, seems like something I could meditate through or just forget, but I can't. I finally feel settled into a place that is comfortable, and I have a routine that provides stability - but I have to leave. I have been in one place long enough to actually make friends - but I have to leave. I have been able to watch my family struggle and grow this year - but now I have to leave. I realize that my St. Louis life as it is now will never be the same. The routine won't be the same, school won't be a crutch, and my friends will all graduate (if they haven't already) and move away.

I know I sound like a whiny little school girl who lost her teddy bear or skinned her knee. I'd be embarrassed, except that's how I feel. It is a lot of loss and a ton of emotional juggling.

I guess that's what I get for letting myself get close to people or attached to anything. I should've learned that lesson a long time ago.

Gloomy is comforting today.

Nice reminder

Just over two years ago, when I started my MSW program in Boston, I found an inspirational tid-bit in a Spanish magazine. I clipped it and kept in the front of my notebook - just to remind myself that it was possible to have a full-time, real world job AND be a student. Dreams are possible - or at least that's what I thought I would need to hear. Anyway, I have since packed and moved the notebooks, binders, and books twice. I forgot all about my little clipping. Today, I got on an organizing kick (honestly, it was an effort to avoid the massive amounts of homework I have to do) and found the little paragraph. It was a nice reminder so I'm going to post it here.
I apologize to all the non-Spanish speakers/readers. If I have time later, I'll come back and post a translation. It is just one of those really cheesy "you can do it" things - so at least you have the idea.

No te detengas

No dejes que termine el día sin haber crecido un poco, sin haber sido feliz, sin haber aumentado tus sueños. No te dejes vencer por el desaliento. No permitas que nadie te quite el derecho a expresarte, que es casi un deber. No abandones las ansias de hacer de tu vida algo extrordinario. No dejes de creer que las palabras y las poesías sí pueden cambiar el mundo. Pase lo que pase, nuestra esencia está intacta. Somos seres llenos de pasión. La vida es desierto y oasis. Nos derriba, nos lastima, nos enseña, nos convierte en protagonistas de nuestra propia historia. Aunque el viento sople en contra, la poderosa obra continúa: tú puedes aportar una estrofa. No dejes nunca de soñar, porque en sueños es libre el hombre.

Dilemma in time

I learned about the origin of the word dilemma once. Di obviously meaning two and lemma apparently, per some Wash U scholar, refers to the animal the lemming. Every year they would run in herds and follow one another off a cliff. Each time, there would be one lemming that would go the other direction. So if you were a lemming standing in the center - you had two choices. While the plight of the lemming seems rather silly, and we know which direction we would hope to take, dilemmas in real life (at least in mine) do not seem to be so easy (at least not from where I'm standing); the cliffs are not always visible.

I wonder if it is possible to have a dilemma in time.

It always seems like when you are looking forward to something time slows down. The days creep slowly and painfully by and leave you desperate for the end. (summer vacation as a kid)

When you are really dreading something all can do is wish, pray or hope time would slow down. Time seems to fly and there is nothing you can do about it. (final exams)

Time really is the one thing none of us can control.

So what do you do if you are stuck somewhere in the middle of this time dilemma. It doesn't seem like a dilemma, but it is because it is possible to want both. There is nothing you can control about the speed at which it passes, but what do you do with yourself in the meantime? Maybe it really isn't a dilemma. Maybe it is just a false dichotomy. I guess it is possible to want both and to have neither. I suppose it isn't black or white, but there is a range of gray somewhere in the middle. I bet the lemmings would've appreciated knowing there was middle ground - a balance.

(30)

Ah Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has been a holiday I've overlooked for the past 6 years (approx). This year, since I happen to be in STL, I will be partaking in the traditional family get together. I am not thrilled.
First, I don't eat meat - so I get to bring my own "main course" and then will fill up on veggies.
Second, I don't really get the whole nuclear happy family thing. It never really worked for my family and somehow around the holidays we always try to pretend it does. I had dinner tonight with an in-tact family and it was weird - good, but so different from my world - it was weird. What does one do with a dad anyway? hmmm
And last, but not least, it will be the first holiday without my niece so it will be emotional and tense.

Luckily, I will get to come home pretty quickly after the meal and should have some time to decompress.

My roomate will be gone starting Wednesday and won't be back until Sunday evening. I love her, and don't really want to sound happy she's going to be gone (Michal, I love you) but it will be great to have a quiet place to relax without worrying about all the holiday crap.

I know the whole point of Thanksgiving is to give thanks for the good things. I think I'll do that alone - maybe it will feel more real and less fabricated.

But for those of you who are really into the turkey and blessings: Happy Holiday.

Wacky world of weather

St. Louis has pretty wacky weather.
I thought this week's forecast was worthy of mention (mostly because I can't think of anything else to blog about).

A few things to note about the forecast below:
1) It is actually warmer today in STL than it is in La Jolla, CA - sorry Jules
2) It is going to be equally warm tomorrow - time to bust out the "fall" dress one last time, since it won't be cold enough to freeze my knees.
3) Tuesday = 70s, sunny; Thursday = snow!
what kind of a place is this?

Today

73° | 52°

Tue

72° | 56°

Wed

53° | 33°

Thu

38° | 25°

Ice cream and magic 8 balls

So my friend and I were sitting here chatting about all our troubles and we came up with a genius idea. We're always saying "I wish someone could just tell me what to do" and then we always resort to pints of deliciously delectable Ben & Jerry's.

Then I thought "why don't we put the two together?" The plan is to have B & J's print random answers on the bottom (inside) of the container. Sort of like the Magic 8 Ball. You can ask it whatever you want and you magically get an answer.

Obviously this wouldn't work for ALL life decisions, but when you're really stuck and drowning your sorrows in a bowl of Phish Food - what could it hurt?

Old friends, new additions, a whirlwind of fun

I went to Chicago this weekend. It was great to be back in the city and to see some familiar faces. I had the chance to hang out with some great friends, eat some good food, and play with an adorable baby. What a combo, right? It was awesome!

I learned a few things on my trip:
(these are not profound, so no need to prepare yourself)

• I learned that I really miss city life
• I miss the hustle and bustle and the ability to walk or take the bus/train everywhere.
  
• I learned that I miss having water nearby (even if it is just a lake).
• I learned that I miss being surrounded by people from a variety of countries who speak a variety of languages. My experiences were so much more rich and full of culture when I lived in Chicago. It was nice to get another taste of that.
• I learned that I do NOT like Korean food. Korean barbeque is a particularly bad idea if you are a vegetarian. Luckily, I more than made up for my Korean food experience by pigging out on Spanish, Thai, and breakfast foods (thanks Cafe Iberico, Penny's and the Original Pancake House). I haven't eaten so much food ever in my life!
• I learned that babies are exhausting, breastfeeding does not look like fun, and the stroller to the carseat and back thing is a royal p.i.t.a. But they're so freaking adorable.
  See pics below for proof of adorableness.

Overall, it was a great weekend. It started off with Vietnamese food on the way to the airport and ended tonight with pizza and beer - oh so american (or is that supposed to be italian). Now it is time to get back to reality, time for homework. Blech! (that's the noise one makes when sticking out tongue and pretending to puke all over whatever they're supposed to be doing)
But first, here are the adorable pics, as promised:

Broken...or not

Don’t touch me, Don’t touch me there
I am bare and he is staring, we are trapped and caged like animals
I am small it isn’t fitting. I am screaming but no one’s listening
Don’t touch me, Don’t touch me there

I forgot what it feels like to feel safe, I forgot what it feels like to feel brave
A shattered soul never heals, this heart of flesh has turned to steel
I’ve forgotten how to feel

He liked her, he liked her that way
He broke her she has never been the same

- Kendall Payne, Touch

Sabias que...

Learning things about people is sort of my job. I have to know how to get them to feel comfortable enough to talk, and I have to know the right questions to ask. The ironic thing is that I am terrible at this in my “real life.” I really enjoy getting to know people, but I never seem to ask the right questions. I guess I assume that if people wanted me to know something they would tell me.

People who want acquaintanceships instead of friendships are typically open with surface details, which leave you feeling like you know them, but you really have no idea who they are. People who want to develop real friendships take risks in sharing information between one another. You can really put yourself out on a limb if you’re not careful.

I usually don’t go blabbing my business to everyone I meet, but occasionally there are people who can get me talking. Normally the exchange is mutual and by the end of the conversation I have “as much on them as they have on me” just in case they decide to make my world front-page news (ah, must love the cynic inside). But what is really disconcerting is that sometimes I play the blabber-mouth friend role, and only get the acquaintance knowledge in return. I am realizing this is the case with a number of people in my life.

This week, this has happened twice. With each of these people, who I love very much, I realized I didn’t know them as well as I thought I did. I had this complete picture in my head of who I thought they were, and then I was humbly reminded that I have no freaking clue.

This happens to me all the time. People see me and pass a quick judgment about who I am and what my life must have been like. This is fine. It helps them compartmentalize their world. Great, happy stranger, judge and move on.

I didn’t think I would be that person. I thought I would make every effort to get to know someone before assuming anything. I’ve realized two things 1) that this is not true about me and I have a long way to go before it may be, and 2) everyone has secrets.

There are a lot of things I do not know about people, and that people to do not know about me. There are things I will share and things I will not. There are things others will share and things they will not, and I need to start learning the difference so I am not flailing around there on my limb. Or maybe I just need to start asking more questions (and answering fewer).

No sense

I just wrote a blog that made absolutely no sense at all.
Unfortunately for you, my blog becomes a dumping ground to empty out, in no cohesive, comprehensible manner, all the trash that is in my head.

good luck!

Buscando algo....

from a social work perspective, i should provide warning that the following blog is coming from the industrialized nation, middle-class perspective. I realize my problems can't hold a candle to the rest of the world...but for the sake of argument:

I have a friend whose life has always seemed remarkably similar to my own. Over the last 6 years as friends, we've both been amused, amazed, and stunned by the common experiences we shared even though we grew up 300 miles apart. Our childhoods, our teen years, our college experience, our partners, our passions and interests, etc... Amazing!

I'm currently in graduate school and have met many new friends in a very short amount of time. Given the nature of the program, people are often very open and willing to share their life experience. It is very conducive to making quick and deep friendships. During the last 6 months, I've developed a very close friendship with someone whose current life situation is very much like my own. And the more I search, the more I find people who are facing the same challenges, struggles, and fears. I'm realizing that my experiences, even at this point in my life, are not unique.

I've had this conversation with a couple of people this week, as we've been talking about life and realizing that everyone seems to end up with the same experiences in the end. Luckily, not all of us will experience trauma, or have to deal with extreme poverty, or a variety of other external factors over which we have little control. But, for must of us, the internal struggles with feelings, actions, and life course are essentially the same. It seems almost impossible that people who are all so different and who all share very different opinions would struggle with the same things. But I guess it all comes down to needs, right? I mean you have the basics: food, water, shelter, clothing, etc... but what about love, respect, belonging, dignity, security etc... It makes sense to me that when these needs are not being met, we have internal conflict. Those needs are universal, and so I'm not sure why I'm surprised that our reactions would be similar.

I've always had a thing for music. I sort of use it as therapy. I find songs that either help elevate my mood, or songs that let me roll around and get all muddied up in my feelings.
But have you ever noticed how many of these songs are relevant to your life at any one given moment? I mean, how do the song writers all know how to put our feelings into words...if they're not feeling them too?!? Of course, we all bring our own baggage to the listening experience. Not unlike the pastor who can take any give bible passage - even an irrelevant one- and twist it all around to prove whatever point he is trying to make, maybe we just impose our experience on the song. But what if we don't? What if we really are all struggling with the same things? What if our lives really are remarkably similar to those around us? I love lyrics; I love that the human experience is the human experience and not simply my own.

I think learning to live with our own situations in any given moment is incredibly difficult. How do we just sit with feelings and not react in a judgmental way toward ourselves? How do we just stop, feel the moment, take inventory, and move on? I think we are all searching for something else, for answers, for another direction...maybe for more peace and calm or maybe for more excitement and energy. But I guess my point is, what you are searching for now, someone else searched for before you and vice versa. We all end up struggling with the same things, but our paths are all wound in different directions. I appreciate the words of songs, poems that let us know we are not alone, because people don't really talk about their feelings and experiences openly.

So what if we can learn to just sit with our own stuff and process long enough to accept before we move on to searching for something else? Can we practice mindfulness and simply center ourselves in the present moment without spinning wheels into the future?

What is the phrase? happiness is wanting what you already have, not having everything you want. I wonder if we'll learn this at some point, or if it really is the human condition to keep searching...buscando algo.....

WAY TO GO RED SOX!!!!

The Sox just won the 2007 World Series!!
Congrats Red Sox Nation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Addicted

I think I may have a dependency issue.
I am addicted.
The first step is admission, yes?

I admit, I cannot live without my laptop.
I love my little macbook.
The mean genius at the apple store decided they had to keep
lil'mac for a whole 7-10 days!!!

What will I do with all my "free" time?
How will I ever do my homework?
What about the 4 papers I have to write this week?

Don't those mac genius guys realize that grad students
have dependency issues? I mean really.

Is there some sort of 12-step program for this?

Shameless Plug

I found this awesome CD a few weeks ago and have since gotten a number of friends addicted.
Now, the lady is starting to show up on the radio. She is having a video premier on VH1 on 10/16. She is apparently touring with Maroon 5 at the moment. In fact, she opened tonight at the Pageant for some guy I've never heard of. Sadly, I couldn't go because I was in class :( boo!!
Anyway, I LOVE LOVE LOVE it, and so I thought I would share my little tidbit of happiness with you.

So now that I've built up all this excitement, you have to check it out, right??!!??

Sara Bareilles
The album title is "Little Voices" and you can download it from iTunes for $7.99
start with the song Gravity
then move on to Many the Miles
then go to Between the Lines
and the rest is amazing too....

Las Flores

Here are some pics I took during my last trip home to La Jolla (august). I was waiting for J to get off work and decided to take a walk around the cove. Flowers seemed like the best idea for a quick round of photos, I mean, they make great backgrounds and screensavers. Anyway, here they are for your enjoyment. By the way, if you click on them, they'll get bigger. Peace

Thank you Mr. Grocery Store Check-Out Guy

Usually I blog about sad things, or angry things, or any other possible negative feeling I've been having. Today is different. Today my faith in people was restored. Well, maybe restored isn't exactly the right word. Let me see if I can explain: my proverbial glass of water has been half empty for awhile, and people & life seem to have been chipping away at the bottom...letting some of that water drip away. Today, the check-out guy at Whole Foods put back some of those lost drops of faith in human kindness. It happens every once in awhile that something so small done by a stranger can really make your day. Friends are sort of obligated to pour water back into your glass, but strangers don't really have to make that sort of commitment. So I just want to say thanks to the grocery store check-out guy who took the time to dig around for coupons I did not request, simply because he noticed I had purchased a few items for which he had seen coupons. He even left his register at the height of the 5:30 check-out line to go grab one extra he had in mind. I saved $1.75 on my groceries today and was given the priceless gift of a random act of kindness. I suppose my mission now is to pass it on. I'll be on the lookout for the next leaky, half-empty glass.

A Fresh Start

So I had to delete my "real" blog for some not-so-nice reasons, and I'm starting over.
I did manage to save two of my previous posts (see below), but then I got tired of the whole process and quit. Sorry for all the lost content, but I promise there will be many more rants and raves to come.

This blog is sort of half-neglected since I'm a graduate student. The goal is to start really keeping it updated from now on. We'll just have to wait and see how it goes.
Sometimes change is good.

Not Fair

Sometimes life is not fair. Death is definitely not.
Today, at 6am, we lost my beloved niece Mayce Leah Brower.
She was a little angel, perfect in every way. She fought a long, hard battle against cancer for the last 6 months, she was quite the little trooper. Unfortunately, this morning, she lost her fight.
She will always be remembered as the beautiful, bright, bubbly little girl we all knew and loved. Mayce, we will NEVER forget you. We're glad you are not suffering and you are free. We'll miss you more than words can express, but we're so grateful to have been able to share the last 2 years and 10 months with you. You've been a blessing little girl, may you find peace and rest.

Many kisses and hugs,
Aunt SweetSpikette

I Miss You I Love You

i love you.
i miss you.
i hate life without you.

in my head i know
and all logic says
this is short term
i can do it;
we can

but my heart feels low
it breaks
i want to see you
i want to hold you
i want to touch your face

kiss your lips
feel your arms around me
hold you close
breathe you in
swallow you whole
melt into you
never leave your side

i miss you
i want to kiss you, taste you
i love you
but for now, i can only dream with you
my angel
my love
my soul